Dad used to say “You guys are going to be best friends one day.”

He usually said this when attempting to settle one of our fights in which I may have allegedly hit you over the head with the rake or when I supposedly shoveled dog poop into your leaf pile and made you pick it up with your bare hands.

As I remember it, these things may or may not have happened because you were bugging the shit out of me.

Dad would also say “Your friends will come and go, but your family will be there forever.”
He was right… You, Debbie and Jeff are some of my biggest blessings.

And now…here we are. You are [cough] 40, and I’m still trying to find ways to level the playing field. Knowing full well, this will never happen. You are nothing short of incredible, and they just don’t come better than you.

You are one of my most prized treasures, and you deserve all the blessings in the world.

Today, and every day, I celebrate you. Happy 40th Birthday to my sister, my best friend.
I love you sissy.

​There have been moments since our parents passed away I feel their presence more than others.  Sixteen months ago, when my beautiful nephew, Blake, was born I felt their presence so profoundly I could almost see them holding and kissing him before they passed him onto us.  
 
Today there were several little and big moments in which I know they were walking along side my siblings and I.  
 
Growing up both my parents worked, but despite working all week long our weekends were full of adventures. We snow skied in the winters.  We went camping and boating in the summers. Now that I’m older I can appreciate how much effort and energy it must have taken.  I recognized this even more as I watched my sister and brother in law pack up the car with their kiddos, the cooler, the life jackets, the diaper bag and then hitch the same boat you see in this picture to the back of their car. 
 
As we exited their neighborhood and drove down a steep hill we went over a small speed bump.  We suddenly heard a large crash and terrible scraping sound. The speed bump had dislodged the boat off of the hitch.   We were on a steep hill with no shoulder, but we had to stop.  The only thing preventing the boat from rolling down the hill ahead of us was the back of our car bumper and a chain. We were sooo lucky as this could have turned out very, very bad.  After about 30 minutes of diverting traffic and jimmying the boat, we were able to get the boat hooked back up and be on our way.
 
We arrived at the boat launch, and waited in line for our turn.  Birdy launched the boat and Kimmy turned the key only to find the battery was dead. Imagine having four cars waiting their turn to pull into your parking spot at Trader Joes or Costco and your battery won’t start.  Not only that, you are blocking traffic the entire time.  I was entertaining the kids and pretending I didn’t know them, but it seemed pretty stressful.  
 
It felt like today just wasn’t meant to happen, until a wonderful gentleman ran over and said we could have his battery.  He wouldn’t accept payment, wouldn’t give us his number, but only told us to have a blessed day and pay it forward.  
 
Throughout the day, as we jumped off the side of the boat to swim, Avery practiced somersaults and Blake giggled as he splashed around in the water, I thought of my parents.  I saw my parents when I watched Blake and Avery blissed out and sunkissed in the back of the boat.  I saw my mom in Kimmy as she was distracted by the thought of her lost sunglasses and her determination to find them.  Only difference between Kimmy and my mom, is my mom would have been way less cool about the events of the day, and had three extra pairs of sunglasses in the boat, just in case.  
 
I know it was because of my parents we were out on the water having a blessed day.

I can't say they were with us the entire day.  I'm pretty sure they left us to be with my brother, probably right around the time Kimmy jumped into the water with her sunglasses on her head.  Today Jeff competed in his 22nd Ironman Triathlon in Whistler  B.C.  An Ironman is a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride and a 26.2 mile run.  (No big deal...)
 
I still remember Jeff’s very first triathlon. It was in California and was half of these distances. It also happened to be the weekend he was graduating college.  My parents were beside themselves, as they had no idea why anyone would want to do this, let alone the weekend you have a zillion other things happening.  I don’t remember the race in particular. However, I do remember how angry my mom was at Jeff because he got bike grease on the inside of our motorhome on the way to the race.  I was ten years old and I can still remember Diana’s fury.

My parents knew nothing of the sport, couldn’t understand why anyone would want to put their body through this, and yet they continued to cheer and support Jeff in his races over the years.  When Jeff qualified and competed in the Kona World Championship, my parents were there. My mom loved biking down to Dig Me Beach just so she could swim with all the triathletes.  My dad didn’t swim, bike or run.  Rather he let us laugh at him when he spilled brownies and frosting all down the front of his shirt at the athlete banquet.  I can still picture turning around seeing him walk next to all these fit athletes with a brownie stain the size of an apple on the front of his yellow polo shirt.  He also enjoyed embarrassing us all as he yelled “No Drafting” over and over again at a congested transition.  Drafting is when a biker will ride right behind another biker to save energy.  It’s illegal in the sport, but in this particular area it was unavoidable as the athletes were just mounting their bikes and had no choice.  My sister and I yelled at him….”Dad….stop!!”
 
Jeff not only competed in his 22nd Ironman today, he WON first place in his age group.  Some people will take 17 hours to finish, some won’t finish at all, but most of us never will attempt such a thing.  He finished in first place.  He was in 12th place exiting the swim, and through pure grit and determination took 1st place within one mile of the finish line. 
 
I know my parents were with Jeff cheering him on. 
 
I know they were with us on the water.  
 
I know we do what we do, and have what we have because of them.

Blessed day.  Blessed life.  Blessed family. Always present. 

I’m sorry this post is so late.  I had to work most of the day to pay for my son’s college booze, I mean books.   When I awoke this morning my first thought was of Austin.  This is nothing new.  Most mornings I wake up my first thoughts are of my children. 

It’s hard to put into words how I feel on this incredibly special day.  Nineteen years sounds like a lifetime ago, but holding my son in my arms for the very first time feels like it was only yesterday.  He came into this world with a fierce temper and lungs the size of Texas.  Over the years the lungs quieted and the temper subdued.   But his heart….his heart continued to grow and it has been his guiding light ever since.   

When I look at my son I humbly ask myself “What have I done to deserve this amazing child?”  As a parent I cannot claim all the ownership over why he is so special.  It was part parenting, mainly God with some luck sprinkled in.  We’ve been blessed beyond measure by His gracious gift.

From the moment we become parents we begin our job of raising our children into being responsible adults who will positively make their mark in this world.  Right around their first birthday we start to ween them off the bottle and the pacifier.  Over the next couple birthdays we teach them how to feed and dress themselves.  Around five and six years old we begin by helping them do their homework, and then over the years we teach them ways in which they can manage it on their own.
  
They slept in our arms, moved to their cribs and eventually a bed of their own.  By sixteen we have taught them to drive a car until one day they drive away to begin the life you imagined the moment you heard their first heartbeat.

We instill life lessons regarding the value of money knowing one day they will need these skills to take care of their own families.  We try to remove most obstacles from their path, and only leave the ones that will teach them important lessons about struggle and consequences.  Within a very short span we have groomed our children to be independent beings who can survive and thrive on their own.

Self admittedly, sometimes as parents we forget to prepare ourselves how to let go. 

This was the first year my son was not with me on his birthday.  We face-timed and I learned all the ways in which he was celebrating his special day.  As much as I wish I could give him a birthday hug and cook him a birthday meal, I felt joy listening to him tell me about all the wonderful people in his life who made him feel loved today.  With a heart as big as his, I’m not surprised. 

This picture was taken on Austin’s first birthday.  I had attended class at Seattle University earlier in the day, but cut class early to bake a cake in our tiny Beacon Hill home for the party that night.  I worked part time and I was finishing up my senior year of classes.  Life felt busy and challenging. 

Regardless of the day to day struggle, I felt more joy in my heart than words can convey.  Our home was small, our budget was tight but my purpose was clear.  Raise this boy with all the love I have in my heart and it will take him to the places only a parent can dream of.
​
This second picture was taken the day we dropped him off at college.  Holding close and letting go all at the same time. 

This is the story of a mother and her son. A mother who couldn’t be more proud of the 19 year old boy who has given her life so much purpose.  

Happy Birthday Texas. 

Happy Birthday to the man I met over 12 years ago, the man who once had dreams of retiring at the age of 40 while living in a Belltown loft and driving an Aston Martin. A man who on our first visit to the dog park wore Hugo Boss clothing and leather dress shoes.

At first you only showed me what most people still see today, a man with vision and drive to match. A man with a serious exterior and controlled demeanor. A man who creates goals and doesn’t stop until he achieves them. A man who faces life with very deliberate intentions.

The moment you made Ryanne’s stuffed animal dance and talk just to make me laugh, I knew there were more layers than the casual eye could see. You are a man who doesn’t always let the world see who he really is, but has chosen the kids and I to share the best part of yourself.
Today, twelve years later, not only do you drive a station wagon, you have a dog and spend your money on yard renovations and college tuition. You devote your time sitting in baseball stands and at choir concerts. You spend all day Saturday driving 10 hours to move your son into his dorm.
You once were a man who was indifferent to the slobbery beasts who run amok at the dog park, but now you are a man whom I see with tears in his eyes as he reads about dogs living their last days. You are a man whose budget was reallocated from fancy dinners to funding your favorite charity, Old Dog Haven.

One could look at all this and commend you for what you sacrificed. However, I don’t think you would ever use the word ‘sacrifice.’ You have chosen from a place of pure love to put the kids and me first. It is a profound gift when a parent chooses to love a child they didn’t create. I believe a parent isn’t defined by who they put on this earth. They are defined by the choices they make every day, choices to put their children’s needs ahead of their own. You, my love, are the best damn daddy I could have asked for.

You might say the kids and I have changed you. I believe it is in equal trade. You have also changed us. Our lives are richer because of you. You have always been our biggest fan, believing in us when we don’t believe in ourselves. You have created opportunities to foster our talents and our dreams. You have devoted your time and your efforts to create a life for our family we would not have without you.
You have loved us.

And we love you.

Happy Birthday, my love.
-yj
​

Okay...I lied.  I cried one more time.  Before graduation as we were eating dinner, I looked across the table to see something special.  Austin was wearing my dad's watch.  He then pulled out a chain and cross tucked beneath his shirt.  It was one of the last gifts from my mom to her grandson.  He said he wanted his grandma and grandpa with him on his graduation day.

​This past weekend we hosted his graduation party.  We spent many hours over the past several weeks getting the yard ready.  I had visions of everyone sitting on the back deck, listening to Jack Johnson and making s’mores around the fire.  As Mother Nature would have it, she tried to rain on our parade.  But try as she might, she did not dampen our spirits.  See what I did there?? (I guarantee my husband is rolling his eyes as he reads this.)

The top three highlights of the party…

1. My brother read from one of Austin's projects in elementary school.  It was a book from the second grade in which his classmates wrote little notes about him.  I will let you watch the short video here.

Dear Mama,

A few months after dad passed away, you purchased a carved stone that now sits by the stairway he built outside our family home.  I often times recite the words of the poem in my head, but today the words speak to me more poignantly than usual. 
 
I thought of you today
But that is nothing new
I thought of you yesterday
And days before that too.
 
I think of you in silence
I often speak your name
All I have are memories
and your picture in a frame.
 
Your memory is my keepsake
With which I’ll never part
God has you in his keeping
I have you in my heart.
 
Oh Mama.  My heart aches today, but like the poem says, that is nothing new.  I have felt your loss every day since you’ve been gone.  There are so many times I’ve longed to pick up the phone and call you.  I’ve wanted to hear your voice more times than I can count. 

Truth be told, there are some days when I need you more than others.  There have been times when I have felt feel hurt and I needed to hear your love and words of comfort.  There have been many, many times when I have doubted myself and I needed your reassurance and words of encouragement.  I’ve had some wonderful things happen to me in the last several months, and I’ve longed to share them with you and hear your excitement.

It is in the brief seconds between when I think of calling you and when I realize I can’t my heart breaks, my throat swells, the tears fall and I feel your absence the most.

Springtime has been hard, especially this year.  I’ve always loved the spring, but since you and dad became sick it hasn’t felt the same.  Springtime brings your birthday, March 23rd.  What a beautiful day to celebrate!  Springtime brings Easter, and Easter lilies.  Oh how you loved Easter lilies, the beauty and the smell.  Every spring an Easter lily sat in the center of your kitchen table on one of your Corelle dishes.   Easter also reminds me of the Jell-O eggs you always made.  Do you remember those?

Spring time brings my birthday.  You had always done so much to celebrate your kid’s birthdays.  The parties, the cakes, the friends.  Every year you were the first person to call and wish me happy birthday and say you loved me. 

Spring time brings memories of you and dad in the hospital.  It’s not your fault, but spring reminds me of all the drives back and forth over the bridge to visit you and dad at Swedish.  It was hard not to recognize the beautiful city in which we live as I drove over the 520 bridge, but every drive brought anxiety because I wasn’t sure the state you and dad would be in when I arrived.  It’s so hard to explain my feelings during that time.  In many ways those days were the worst days of my life, and yet I can also recall the depth of love I felt for you, dad, Debbie, Jeff and Kimmy during those same times.  Those were the moments the strength of our family was tested and proven.  How can I reconcile the painful memories of the hospital against the immeasurable amount of love I felt for my family during our darkest days? 

I don’t mean for it to sound like I don’t love my siblings now as much as I did then.  It’s actually quite the opposite.  I love them more.  It’s impossible to go through what we went through and not feel a deeper connection than we did before.  I don’t know how you and dad did it, but you created strength and an incredible amount of love between us.  As a mother myself, I want to emulate this for my own family.

Springtime brings baseball.  I can’t sit in the stands of Austin’s games without thinking of you and dad.  Dad with his humor and jokes about wearing leather underwear.  You and some of your embarrassing commentary.  Yes, sometimes you embarrassed me as you sat in the stands.  You were always so enthusiastic about the game and the player’s performance, so sometimes this meant you would make comments about our pitcher who was struggling on the mound.  The problem is, you didn’t realize the parents were sitting nearby.  Yeah, I was embarrassed at the time, but what I wouldn’t give to have you there at Austin’s game today. 

So yes, springtime is hard.  It’s been hard for several months.

Spring also bring Mother’s Day.  Mother’s Day is a joyous occasion for many and a day of sorrow for others.   Just as I have trouble reconciling my feelings during those days spent at the hospital, I have trouble reconciling my emotions on Mother’s Day.

I celebrate my children.  I was blessed with one of the most important jobs in the world, and I'm finally realizing I’ve done a pretty good job.  The other day Ryanne said to me, “I appreciate you.”   Mom, I don’t know if I ever said the same to you.  They are such simple words, and yet the impact I felt when my daughter said them to me had the most profound effect.   If I never told you the same, I want to tell you now.  Mom, I appreciate you.  I appreciate you and what you did for us in more ways than I can adequately express.

Mom, I love you.  I know we said this to each other quite frequently.   You loved me, just as I loved you.  I believe it was because you and dad freely expressed your love for us,  my kids and I exchange these same three words often.  In fact, Austin gives me a hug me every night before bed and tells me he loves me.

So you see, Mother’s Day brings a mix of emotions.  My heart aches you are not here with me today, but I have so much to celebrate on Mother’s Day. 

I have two beautiful kids. 

I had you. 
​

When we were little our mom would make us special cakes to celebrate our birthday. My cakes were decorated in the shape of Snoopy, Winnie the Pooh and Raggedy Ann and Andy.  They were usually adorned with M&M’s and licorice.  I have no memory of how the cakes tasted.  I only remember how special they made me feel.

Every year for our birthday our mom would host a party with our family, our Godparents and our friends who lived in the neighborhood.  When I think back to those days I can still feel the excitement and anxious anticipation of having everyone over to celebrate.  It was the best day of the year, the one day in which it was all about ME.   When there are six people in a family and you are a middle child, these days are a gift in themselves.

On one particular birthday our gluttonous Cocker Spaniel hopped upon to the dining room table and ate the corner of my specially made cake.  We discovered the missing corner and then found Benji covered in frosting. None of our guests had any clue there was an issue with the cake, because my mom filled the missing corner with frosting and served pieces from the other side.   There weren't any complaints of anyone pulling dog hair from their teeth, so no one was the wiser.

On my 16th birthday party my parents wheeled around my birthday present on two wheels and not four, and I’m pretty sure my face conveyed what my spirit felt, utter disappointment there was no car for me in my immediate future. 

I remember slumber parties with my friends.  I also recall at one particular party my brother gave me his gift in front of my middle school friends, my very own fishing pole and tackle box. I loved to fish, but I was embarrassed my ‘cool’ friends now knew it.  I also remember when he hosted a surprise slumber party for me and all my girlfriends in his small apartment.   I always knew he was a great salesman, but convincing parents to let their teenage daughters stay the night at my 25 year old brother’s apartment required some serious salesmanship.

I have so many memories of my birthdays growing up, all because of my mom.  She created a special feeling towards our birthdays, and continued to do so as we grew older.  She was always the first one to ask “What are you doing for Ryanne’s birthday or when are you having Austin’s party.”

Jill:  (Aside from making Ryan a dog lover)… What other ways have I changed you?

Ryan:  Ummm…

Jill:  Good ways!!!

[Laughing]

Ryan:  Good ways?  Well, you’ve really made me appreciate a full refrigerator.

[Laughing]

I feel more healthy and active.  I was somewhat active before we started dating, but since then I’ve definitely taken on a much more active lifestyle.

[There was a long pause…but the second answer was really good when it finally arrived.]

Ryan:  I think philosophically you’ve changed the way in which I view my own life and the way I gauge my own happiness.  You’ve encouraged me through your example to be more contemplative, to think about things on a pretty deep level in terms of what does success, what does happiness, what do achievements mean and how do relationships factor into those things. 

I would have been a very different person as to the way in which I pursued my job and gauged my own success or failure.  I think you’ve given me a much healthier outlook in which I judge myself. 

You know, I’ve always struggled with always trying to be a perfectionist and I think that because you are so imperfect…

[Jill cracking up]

Jill:  Keep talking….my imperfections and your perfections…

[Both laughing]

Ryan:  No seriously…it’s helped me be a more grounded person, someone who I like more than I may have turned out to be.

Jill:  Ahhh…That’s so nice.

Jill:  People often say opposites attract.  From face value some might say we seem like opposites.  Such as, in social situations I can be more gregarious and you can be pretty quiet.  The reality is, I don’t think we are opposite at all.  I think we actually share a lot of similar traits.

Ryan:  I think we both tend to be people pleasers.  While our reactions to groups of people and crowds can be different I think at the same time we both enjoy and prefer smaller and more intimate groups, rather than larger settings of people.

Jill:  What other personality traits do we have that are similar?

Ryan:  I think we both find the same things funny.  Definitely sense of humor.

Jill:  How are we different from one another? 

[Pause]
 
Jill:  Ooh...I know one.  You hold your cards pretty close to your chest.  Right?  You will be pretty open when you know someone, versus I put everything out there on the blog, and I will share openly with someone in the lunch room.

Ryan:  What’s funny though? You say that, and superficially I think that’s generally true.  You will be more apt to share things and talk through things.  I still feel like there are still things you hold very close to your heart that you wouldn’t necessarily share with just anyone.

You will share things more quickly and to a certain point, but I don’t think you completely reveal yourself diametrically opposed to me who shows nobody anything.

Jill:  Aside from me, the kids and Milo, tell me about your other favorite things.

Ryan:  I love running.  There is something about running that is rejuvenating for me.  There are many times I don’t feel like running.  It’s raining outside, or its cold, or I’m tired or it’s been a long day at work, but then I feel 10x better after I go for a run.  My head feels clear.  I feel energized.  I get so much from running.  It is an important part of who I am. 

Jill:  On average, how many miles per week do you run?

Ryan:  A big week will be 70+ miles and then an off week will be 45-50 miles.

Jill:  Me too!!

[Ryan laughing]

Ryan:  Is that commuting??

Jill:  Yes, in my car.

​As part of the interview series with my loved ones, I finished by sitting down with my husband.  This was a more difficult interview for me, because I wasn't sure what I wanted to ask.  

Ryan and I talk all the time, so what in the world could I ask him that I didn't already know the answer to?

Somehow I found new questions to ask and Ryan shared new information, like his first impression of me.  Heartwarming??  Yeah right.  

Ryan shared quite openly what it was like to date a single mom and his relationship with Austin and Ryanne today.  He also shared the challenges of being the  spouse of someone who's struggling with grief.   

Ryan's a great man who can be a little more on the private side, so it is my pleasure to share a glimpse of the Ryan I am blessed to know and love.


Jill:  You read my blogs, right?

Ryan:  Yes.

Jill:  What blogs have been your favorite?

Ryan:  I like anytime you talk about your feelings and issues you are facing, whether that’s dealing with grief, with Ryanne or Austin or any of these other challenges.  It seems like you use your blog as a means by which you talk through your feelings.  I also liked your blog when you had your tribute to Kimmy for her birthday.

Jill:  So honey, our anniversary is coming up.  How many years will it be?

Ryan:  It will be our third official anniversary.   Austin was six or seven on our first official date, so I think it’s been eleven or twelve years we’ve been together. 

Jill:  I think it’s been eleven years.

Ryan:  So yes, eleven years.

Jill:  Do you remember when we first met?

Ryan:  I do.

Jill:  When did we first meet?

Ryan:  When you interviewed me in Jeff’s Bellevue office in the front conference room.

Jill:  What did you think of me when we first met?

Ryan:  I don’t really remember having an impression of you, per se.

[Jill laughing]

Jill:  That’s not very nice.  You didn’t think I was awesome?

Ryan:  I thought you were perfectly nice. 

Jill:  While we were in that interview did you think we’d be married one day?

Ryan:  Heck no!

Jill:  So what if I had asked you in the interview, “Do you like kids?  Do you like dogs?” what would you have said?

Ryan:  This is the weirdest interview I’ve ever been on.

Jill:  It was several years of working together before we even started to think of dating.

Ryan:  Yeah, absolutely.  I knew you as one of my major client’s sisters.  I wasn’t thinking of you as potential dating material.

Jill:  So why did it take you so long to commit to being with me?

Ryan:  That’s a good question.  It wasn’t that I was reluctant, I was hesitant.  I knew that I couldn’t casually date you.  I knew that you had kids.  You had an established life. 

We were at different points in our life.   You had been married.  You had kids.  I was single.  I wasn’t thinking immediately about children.  My apprehension stemmed from, here’s this woman with this life who’s going along on this particular path, and I wasn’t exactly sure how I would mesh into that lifestyle and path.  None of this had to do with you or the impressions you gave me.  It was more me working through my own issues of what it would mean to have a serious relationship with a single mom.

Jill:  But I reeled you in.

Ryan:  Yeah you did.

Jill:  I put my hooks in you.

Ryan:  Yes, your wireless kept mysteriously breaking.

[Laughing]

Jill:  Yeah, that was pretty mischievous. 

Jill:  We heard from the kids how they experienced the divorce, but what was your experience dating a single mom with two young kids?

Ryan:  A few things.  Number one, like I said, I wasn’t exactly sure how I would be able to fit into a preexisting family.  You and the kids were this familial unit already. 

Then, of course, you hear of difficulties with divorced families and splitting time between the parents and how all that works out.  Trying to determine what’s best for the kids, where your priorities would be with your relationship with me, your relationship with the kids, relationships with the exes; those were all big question marks in my mind.  I didn’t have any idea how those things would work themselves out.  I really didn’t.

Jill:  How is your relationship with the kids today? 

Ryan:  For a long time when you and I first started dating I saw the kids as little extensions of you.  They were this different aspect of you.  I didn’t really see them as individuals.  I saw them as offshoots of you.  They were Jill’s kids who did this, or Jill’s kids who did that.

That changed and it has continued to change as the kids have developed really unique and distinct personalities.  I couldn’t love them any more than I do.  I’m so proud of the things they’ve been able to accomplish.  I’m REALLY excited for Austin to go to college and have all those experiences.  I’m super excited for Ryanne and her adventures with all of her skills with singing and acting.  Each of them has so much talent.  It’s really really fun to watch them blossom and grow.  That’s not necessarily changed my love, but it’s definitely added richness to my relationship with them.   

Jill:  I was hesitant and unsure how you would fit in as well.

Ryan:  Sure.

Jill:  But you have far exceeded any expectations I had for you to be their dad.  I couldn’t be happier with what kind of father you are to them.
​
Ryan:  Ahh…that’s nice of you to say.

Jill:  Did you ever imagine loving a dog as much as you love Milo?

Ryan:  That one I can easily say ‘no’.  I’ve always liked animals but I never really thought of myself as a dog person.  

Jill:  You don’t just love Milo; you love dogs. 

Ryan:  Yes.

Jill:  Tell me about your favorite charity and why they are important to you.

Ryan:  I don’t remember how I found out about Old Dog Haven.  It might have been a random Facebook post, but the more I found out about them the more I appreciated what they do.

Old Dog Haven is a charity that supports elderly dogs, dogs who may, for whatever reason, come to a shelter and might not be adoptable because of their age or have significant medical issues that require costly surgeries.  There’s any number of reasons these dogs wind up where they do.  Old Dog Haven takes these dogs out of shelters, sets them up with foster and final refuge homes.  The homes work with Old Dog Haven and are experienced to help the elderly dogs and dogs who require special care. 

Old Dog Haven will cover all medical fees which run upwards of $40,000-$50,000 per month.  They cover this either through donations or donated time from veterinarians.  Yeah, Old Dog Haven is my favorite charity and I have a huge soft spot for them.

Jill:  Me too.  I love that these dogs get to spend their final days in a loving home versus on a cold cement floor.

Ryan:  Sometimes their stay isn’t that long.  These are elderly dogs and sometimes they are only in a final refuge home for a few weeks or even a few days.  They do get to be in a home full of love and warmth with someone who loves and cares for them.

Jill:  That is one of the ways in which you’ve changed since we started dating.  I’ve made you a dog lover.

[Laughing]

Ryan:  Yes, yes you have.

My son has the kindest heart and usually prioritizes the feelings of others over his own.  When a kid like that experiences the divorce of his parents, it can  be a pivotal and painful experience.  I'm so grateful Austin was brave enough to be open and honest how the divorce impacted his social interactions with his peers and his sense of self.

Mom: Austin, who is your source of inspiration… a celebrity, singer, an athlete or someone in your everyday life?

Austin: I think you are one of the biggest inspirations in my life.  When I say that, I think about my freshman, sophomore and junior year.  You guys were kicking my butt about school work.  You actually made me believe that college is super important.  I view you guys as more inspiring than anybody else, not just because you are my parents, but you just gave me a reason to go out there and try hard.

Mom: That’s nice Austin.  Thank you.  That means a lot.

Austin: You’re welcome.

Mom: I asked Ryanne a few of these questions as well.  Ryanne and I talked about her perspective on having divorced parents.  What is your perspective?  What’s been good and what’s difficult?

Austin: Before I say anything, I absolutely love the life I have right now.  I love Ryan.  I love Melissa.  I love you and dad, but I’m going to be honest.  It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my entire life.   It was the absolute HARDEST thing. 

I remember after you guys split up I was pretty sad…

[Austin sees me crying ….]

Austin: I don’t want you to feel bad that you guys got divorced….

Mom: You know what Austin, no, tell me the truth.  Anything you are feeling I want to understand and I do feel bad for you.  You don’t have to hold back.  I want to know.  That is why I asked the question.

Austin: I am just being honest how I felt.  It was the absolute hardest thing I’ve been through in my life.  I was so used to you and dad being together.  After the divorce happened I felt like I had social issues and internal issues until the beginning of high school.

I remember I had trouble falling asleep at night. I didn’t know what was wrong at the time, but I know now that it was tied to the divorce. It was hard sleeping at two different houses, trying to fall asleep at two different houses and finding my sense of comfort.

With middle school and with social issues, I felt like I didn’t know how to approach people as well as other kids did.  I don’t know if this is something other kids go through, but I tried to do anything to make other kids like me, by the way I talked or what I did.  Some things I’m not proud of and some things I am.

I feel like now, junior year and senior year, I’ve been a lot happier, because I don’t worry about my social issues.  I just try to be who I am.  I’m proud of who I am and how I look.  Sometimes I think ‘hmmm….I could lose a little weight’ but… [laughs]

But I’m proud of who I am and what I do.  I’m proud of and happy with the people I have around me.

Mom: You should be very proud of who you are!!

Mom:  If I had to guess, I think most middle school kids feel very similar to how you felt.  They are not sure how they fit in, they are not comfortable how to socialize.  They are not sure how to be true to themselves.  I think if you went to the middle school today and asked kids to answer honestly, they would say this is true.  I think this is why people look back at middle school and realize it was a very difficult time.

What I’m wondering though, did having divorced parents added an extra layer of insecurity?

Austin: Yeah, I kind of feel like that.

Austin: I felt like I was constantly in the middle between you and dad.  I had to please one side more than the other.   Constantly back and forth and it made me sad sometimes.  It’s still happens now, but I don’t really care. It’s like, this side and this side need to handle it themselves.  It’s not my deal.  I’m just learning to ignore it and let everyone handle it themselves.

Austin: I’d just like to say and be honest that even with the divorce, I’m happy now, and I love both sides of the family. But...I just don’t ever want my own kids in the future to ever go through that.   That was really, really hard.

Mom: I’m sorry Austin.

Austin: You don’t need to say sorry.

Mom: Well, I mean…. [can’t talk…crying]

Mom: It’s one of the biggest sources of guilt I have that you and Ryanne have divorced parents. Um, I feel really bad.  It hurts me to know that it hurt you a lot.  I also am sorry that you felt like you were in the middle.  I think we tried not to, but we didn’t do a very good job.  I’m really sorry for that.  I’m sorry you had divorced parents.

[Austin gives me a hug…]

Mom: Thank you for telling me the truth.   What you shared were the hard things.  Was there any good?

Austin: Oh definitely!!  Besides the two Christmases, that’s always a plus…

[Mom laughing...thinking the answer sounds similar to his sister's.]

Austin: It’s always good adding onto the family.  Instead of just having two families, now we have four.  I’m incredibly lucky I got to know Ryan and Melissa.  They are both great people.  I couldn’t be happier with anybody else.  I mean, we could have had shitty step parents that treat us like crap, like what you see in the movies, but they don’t.  I know for a fact, they love Ryanne and I.  They do everything possible to make sure we are successful.  That shows me they are true parents!  Ryan could be my biological father and Melissa could be my biological mother.  They do great things for us!

Mom: If you had to give advice to teens whose parents are divorced or to the parents who are divorced do you have any advice?
​
Austin: Don’t feel like you need to be in the middle between the two sides.  Don’t feel like you need to appease both sides.  The parents need to talk to one another and not treat the kids like the messenger.  Oh, and love both sides.

​To be continued.....