My mom gave me this necklace on one of the worst days of her life.  As she sat in her wheelchair outside the doors of the hospital lobby my siblings and I stood by her side.  After 18 months of pulling out every MacGyver trick in the book to keep her alive the doctor told us “There is nothing more I can do.” It is impossible to describe how you feel the moment you hear those words. As painful as it was for me to accept her time was coming to an end, I cannot begin to fathom how my mother felt.  I have never seen her look more stoic in my entire life.

Before we left the hospital she handed my two sisters and I a box.   She said, “I bought each of you a necklace. “  Inside was a gold and silver pendant shaped in the form of a mother and daughter connected as a heart. In that moment, I knew what that necklace would mean to me. I have cherished that piece of jewelry more than anything else I have ever owned.  I spent a few hundred dollars on a stronger gold chain to ensure its safety, and yet I still don’t wear it every day for fear of something happening to it. 

A few weeks after that hospital visit, I discovered my mom did not remember anything about that day.  She did not remember traveling to a new branch of the hospital.  She did not remember being wheeled down the depressing hallway under florescent lights to receive her umpteenth scan. She had blocked out almost everything of that day as a coping mechanism to help her move forward.

I remember. I remember everything about that day.  I remember buying a latte at my favorite coffee shop, and the barista innocently asking me how my day was going.  I remember feeling like my life had changed forever, yet the world had no idea.  I remember the dark and dreary hospital lobby with fake silk plants.  The dirty worn carpet and the wood chairs with rose colored vinyl seat cushions.   I remember the parents who paced anxiously in in the lobby because their 25 year old son was having emergency surgery for an aneurysm.  I remember the yelps and tears of joy when the doctor walked into the lobby wearing his blue scrubs and told them he survived.  I remember feeling the strangest mix of emotion watching their jubilation.  Thankful they will have more time with their loved one, but feeling despair at the little time I had left with mine.

The necklace my mom gave to me represents more than the cold metal that sits on my neck and accessorizes my outfit.   Sometimes when I look at it I am reminded of that day.  But mostly, I think lovingly of my mom.  To me, the necklace is a piece of my mother I carry with me.  Having this necklace keeps me from having to say any final goodbyes.

Today as I left the grocery store and approached my car I began digging in the bottom of my purse for my keys.  I happened to look down at the cement and catch a glimpse of something shiny lying on the ground reflecting a little ray of sunlight.    As I bent down to pick it up I recognized the gold and silver heart shaped emblem.  For a split second I thought how crazy it was that someone had lost the same necklace I cherish so much.  It wasn’t until I reached up and touched my bare neck, I realized it was mine.  The chain was nowhere to be found, but that pendent lay on the concrete in the perfect place so I would see it when I walked back to my car.

I have not stopped crying since it has happened.  I have cried tears of joy and gratitude.  I have cried tears because I cannot fathom how I would have felt if I had lost it.  And I have cried tears because my mom knows what that necklace means to me and continues to walk by my side.

I’m afraid of the attachment I have to something materialistic.  In time, maybe the connection to the necklace will lessen.  Maybe it will become easier to throw away receipts of our lunches, the ticket stub from our last movie together and all the paperwork from the doctor’s appointments that represent our efforts to save her.  But today... I’m not ready to say all of my goodbyes.   

For now, my necklace will remain in a safe place and I will carry my mom with me in my heart.

The topic of this blog post out of the ordinary from my usual repertoire.  As usual, with any of my challenges I learned more than I thought possible and wanted to share my learnings.  The primary reason for me writing, however, is for anyone searching for this condition on the internet.  Reading other people’s stories and what worked for them has been my saving grace.  

I will say that I've had Mononucleosis, an ACL surgery, five surgeries on my arm, two c-sections and two other surgeries....this has been more difficult than anything mentioned above.

I believe it was back in November little red dry spots started to appear on my face around my nose and above my left eyebrow.  The spots were no big deal, about the size a dime.  I didn’t think too much of it, and started using some prescription medication I had received within the last year for another facial breakout.  

The spots would come and go.  I soon became frustrated they wouldn’t permanently disappear, so I called my dermatologist to make an appointment.  Frustratingly, they couldn’t fit me in for EIGHT WEEKS. Why is it that dermatologists don’t leave one or two time slots in the calendar for ‘emergency’ situations?  A few years ago my daughter’s pediatrician was very concerned about one of her moles and recommended we see a dermatologist.  They couldn’t get us in for three months.  Knowing that melanoma is one of the fastest growing cancers it seemed crazy to me they couldn’t see her sooner. 

Between the time I scheduled my appointment and when I was finally able to see my doctor I was still using the facial ointment I’d had in my cabinet, Clobetasol Propionate.  I would later find out the ointment I had been dabbing on my face in the eight weeks it took for me to see the doctor was a cortisone.  Cortisone will temporarily make the rash look better, but when you stop your face flares up even worse. When I looked up this particular ointment the other day it stated a side effect is Perioral Dermatitis.  Ugh!!!  Frustrating considering I was using it because it says it’s for dermatological issues.

During the eight weeks I waited to see my dermatologist, I met with a naturopath to clean up my diet and find out if I was deficient in any vitamins.  I found out I had a bunch of allergens and immediately removed them from my diet (eggs, wheat, yeast, dairy and other miscellaneous items.)  

When certain foods are removed from your diet you usually add in other food as replacements.  I questioned if some of these new foods were causing an allergic reaction on my face, and I stopped eating them.  The spots continued.  I removed the vitamins and supplements I was taking.  The spots continued.  I tracked my food to find a pattern.  The spots continued.  I stopped using my facial cleanser.  The spots continued.

Being that it was the holidays and sugar was everywhere and NOT on my restricted list, my sugar intake quadrupled.  After weeks of keeping the restricted foods out of my diet and eating lots of lots of sugar I wondered if this rash might be a symptom of Candida.  Candida is an overgrowth of the yeast we all have in our system.  Yeast feeds on sugar.  I didn’t have all the symptoms of Candida, but my doctor and I felt I needed to cut sugar out of my diet in addition to everything else.  And when I say sugar I mean ALL sugar….fruits, condiments, starchy vegetables, refined sugars.    This was a HARD row to hoe. 

When I was FINALLY able to see my dermatologist on January 10 (we’ll call this Day 1 because this is when I first heard what I was dealing with) the rash was now covering my chin and surrounding my mouth.  

The doctor diagnosed me with Perioral Dermatitis.  This meant nothing to me, other than I was finally relieved to receive some ointment and an oral antibiotic.  I was pretty resistant to taking the oral antibiotic since I had been working very diligently to clean all the toxins out of my system.  The doctor told me she hadn’t had much luck with this condition clearing up with the ointment alone.  She wrote me a prescription for the oral antibiotic just in case I changed my mind.  When she wrote me the prescription for a six week supply with an additional refill it should have been my first clue how terrible this condition is. 


Day 1 - Friday January 10th: Saw the doctor.  Received the diagnosis and prescription.  Drove to two different pharmacies to have the prescriptions filled.  Started the cream.

Day 2 – Saturday, January 11th:   Woke up and spots seem better.  Went for a run.  Feeling relieved this rash will be a thing of the past.

Day 3 – Sunday, January 12th:   Woke up and spots are worse than Saturday.  Went for a run.  Cried because I was frustrated, had no energy and concerned I could not maintain such a restricted diet.  In the midst of my emotional breakdown my loving husband told me he would eat exactly what I’m allowed to eat so he could fully support his wife.  By Sunday evening, the rash has worsened. I ordered and started the oral antibiotic which caused me to break out in hives on my stomach.

Day 4 – Monday, January 13th:   Rash is worse.  I covered my face with makeup and went to work.  Tried to hunker down at my desk without having to see too many people.  Exchanged about eight phone calls between the doctor and the pharmacy to receive a new prescription for another antibiotic.  Luckily I had only taken one pill from the other prescription and my hives were gone.  Otherwise, I would have had to wait a while for a new prescription.  That evening I was nauseous, felt like I had a fever and my face was extremely painful.

Day 5 – Tuesday, January 14th:   Face is very very inflamed.  Painful to the touch.  Stayed home from work.  The rash has reached my right eye.  The rash is bright red, and covered in what looks and feels like little blisters.  Similar to if you were sunburned pretty badly and you develop little water blisters on your skin.  Didn’t run or exercise.

TUESDAY EVENING: It is the worst it’s ever been.  I’m debating if I should call my doctor in the morning.  In the meantime, I decide to look on the internet for the first time with the search ‘Perioral Dermatitis how long to heal.’  As I scanned the internet I began to feel hysteria and with tears of desperation I said to my husband “Oh my God!  Some people have been dealing with this for years!!”  On one post a lady said it had been SIX years!  One other lady said it was Day 46 before she felt halfway pretty again. It seemed the typical time frame was between 6-8 weeks for resolution.   People wrote about staying inside their home for weeks without ever leaving to avoid seeing anyone.

Vanity or not, it was terribly painful and I could not imagine dealing with this for a few more days let alone weeks…or years.  

For starters, no one knows what causes this condition.  It is speculated any of the following could be a contributor:

• toothpaste with fluoride
• steroid cream that has touched your face
• change in hormones
• stress
• facial cleanser or makeup
• exposure to weather conditions (wind, etc.)

Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. 

On Tuesday at 11:00pm my loving husband raced to the store to pick up toothpaste without fluoride.  Biotin and Zinc for healthy skin cell growth.

Despite reading a bunch of stuff on the internet that scared me half to death, I did receive very helpful information from other people in regards to what worked for them.   This is why I write this post.  Perhaps it will help someone else.   This is what I’ve done, but everyone is different. Please talk with your doctor first.  

• Go to the doctor.  Receive a prescription for a local cream and an oral antibiotic.  I used Metronidazole cream and Amoxicillin oral antibiotic.  The typical oral antibiotic prescribed in this situation is Doxycycline but this caused me to breakout in hives.
• Don’t put anything on your face (lotion, make up, soap.)  Just wash your face with warm water and use the prescribed ointment.  I diluted apple cider vinegar (one tsp to one cup water) and dabbed on my rash with a cotton swab.  It helps to kill the bacteria.  Then after it dried I put the ointment on top.
• Don’t touch your face.  I was just short of taping oven mitts to my hands like Pheobe from Friends.  My face burned, itched and was very very tight.  I hardly slept because I would feel my face burning and find myself about to rub or scratch it.
• I began drinking diluted apple cider vinegar in the morning and in the evening before bed.  One tablespoon to one glass of water.  It helps flush out the yeast overgrowth.
• Clean up your diet!   Stop eating sugar and processed food.  (Thank God I had started this earlier!)
• Take a good probiotic.
• Zinc
• Biotin
• I stopped running and exercising because I felt the sweat could be irritating the rash even more.  Long walks instead.
• Cut out coffee.
• Drink lots of water.

 

• I feel blessed because this is clearing up much faster than what I read to be the average time frame.
• I feel thankful I started to clean up my diet a few months ago which I believe may be contributing to my quicker recovery.
• I feel fortunate to have access to medical treatment to help heal my ailment.
• I will have a new appreciation for my normal sun spotted, wrinkly, but overall healthy complexion.
• I am thankful for my husband who was supportive and understanding since Day 1.  

What’s next…I will continue on with my course of treatment.  Pray this will continue to heal.  Continue to eat a clean and very low sugar diet.  I will not wear any makeup or face products for weeks until it appears to be entirely gone.  I will also be dumping all my expensive make up and face products and buying products that do not include any of the following as they are known to flare up Perioral Dermatitis.  

1. Sodium Lauryl Sulfate (SLS)- This chemical is heavily restricted in Canada and Europe.
2. Parabens – Parabens are known to disrupt the body’s hormones and endocrine system. They are also very harsh irritants when applied to the skin. These chemicals are found in most cosmetics and cleansers.
3. Whiteners and Bleaches 

On Tuesday night before bed I prayed and told Him I trust whatever His plan is for me.  I know there is some lesson in this I’m supposed to learn.  I may never know, but I might have a better idea in the near future.  I’m not sure I believe in the saying “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”  At least, it doesn’t always feel that way.  I will say that I look at life’s challenges as an opportunity to become a better person.  With each struggle I’ve become more educated.  I’ve faced my vulnerability and become more humbled.  I’ve uncovered more of my strengths and many of my weaknesses.    But most importantly, with each challenge I become more grateful for all of my blessings.

My husband has often said the only thing that has changed in our relationship since we’ve been married is I’ve become more flatulent.  Every time he says this I think,   Honey I’ve always been this way.  I’ve just been on good behavior for the last 9 years. 

Stomach aches, bloating and gas are one thing.  Body aches, headaches, exhaustion after nine hours of sleep and ugly rashes on my face are another. 

This weekend I returned home from a run discouraged by my lack of energy and starving because I had taken in very little calories the day before.  This is due to all the foods I’ve stopped eating in the last several weeks in my attempt to eliminate all allergens from my body. 

From 1997 to 2002 the number of peanut allergies has DOUBLED.  One in seventeen children under the age of three will have a food allergy.  There has been a 265% increase in rate of hospitalizations for food allergies.  When your body sees a food allergy it sees something foreign and launches out an inflammatory response to get the allergens out of the body.   My body has launched all kinds of wars and I’m hearing the message loud and clear.   My hope is to reintroduce some of the foods I’ve removed one by one to see what my body likes and doesn’t like. 

In the meantime, during my run all l could think about was what I was going to eat when I got home.  The only thing I decided I could have was some left over chicken and sautéed peppers for BREAKFAST.

When I walked in the door I began crying to my husband (there may or may not have been a few gasping for air sobs involved).  In those moments I wanted what most wives want in a situation like this.  (Not a solution which many husbands mistakenly believe.)  I just wanted my husband to say “I’m sorry.  This must be so tough.”  Fortunately, I was able to tell him just this after I caught my breath and after I had ceased drooling over his eggs, gluten free toast and peanut butter. 

Not only did he say these things to me, but he said he would eliminate all the foods I’ve had to eliminate over the last several weeks.  It was the most compassionate and supportive thing he could offer his wife.  His emotional, rash ridden and flatulent prized possession.  If that isn’t true love, I don’t know what is. 

Truth be told, I just wish I didn’t love food almost as much as I love Ryan.    My relationship with food over the years has been trying …and at times destructive.  It is my Xanax when I need to relax, my cocaine when I need a pick me up, my reward when I have a great workout, my entertainment when I’m bored, my companion when I’m lonely and my comfort when I’m heartbroken. 

In the last several weeks my body has told me loud and clear it is not happy with the choices I’ve been making. Because of this, I’ve had to change my relationship with food to simply be a source of sustenance.  It sounds easy enough to someone who’s never had an unhealthy relationship with food, and I don’t expect everyone to understand just how difficult it is for someone like me.  Just as I don’t understand how anyone can nibble on ONE cookie for an entire hour.

When you are addicted to food, or at least addicted to the feeling food gives you it is not only about changing your diet, it is about changing your behavior.  It is learning how to have a healthy relationship with something that surrounds you everywhere you go.  We would never surround a heroin addict with heroin and then expect them to work on their addiction. 

Being overweight or having issues with food is not about laziness or lack of will power.  It’s about so much more. It’s about sugar, as addictive as cocaine, being prevalent in everything we eat. It’s about the FDA legalizing production of certain foods not allowed in other countries.  It’s about all the mixed messages we’ve received over the years regarding the best nutritional balance of foods.  It’s about the ingrained messages we’ve held onto since we were children. 

I will continue on this journey to discover what my body likes and doesn’t like.  I may cry and feel defeated, but I will continue to try. 

This battle is about understanding and identifying our individual relationship with food.  Rewiring years and years of thoughts and behavior.  Educating ourselves.   Accepting it will continuously be an ongoing struggle.   And always, always….strive for progress not perfection. 

My mom would always repeat the proverb “I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.”  I understood what she was trying to say, but I never really grasped the true meaning.  Until today.

I was driving home from the grocery store feeling very sorry for myself.  I was thinking of the long list of foods I can no longer eat.  Hearing my belly grumble I caught a glance in the mirror of the ugly red rash that covered my face.  I looked away unable to stand the sight of myself.  As I got closer to home I wondered if I would be able to get the coffee stains out of the new sweatshirt I had just purchased a couple weeks ago.  Sullenly, I thought “What else??  What else could possibly go wrong?”

It was as if my mom was sitting beside me in the car as I drove into my neighborhood, because I thought with a change in spirit “Yes Jill. What else??”

I began to think of all the foods I CAN eat.  The fresh produce and lean meat that filled my grocery bags.  I thought of the water I had, not only to drink but use to bath, wash my dishes and wash the stain out of my sweatshirt.  I thought of how fortunate I was to live in a place and time in which I could see a doctor earlier that morning who would prescribe me medicine for my ailment.  I felt my hands on the steering wheel of the car I was able to drive to the home that keeps me warm.  I pondered the plethora of clothes I could choose to wear while I was washing my favorite sweatshirt.  I thought of my healthy children and my husband who I love more than anything I could ever own.

We live in a world in which we cannot help but covet our neighbor’s kitchen, a stranger’s physique and our friend’s fancy shoes.  It is difficult to take a step back from wanting things we do not need, and feel blessed for what we have.  Life is rough sometimes.  It can appear even rougher when we lose perspective and focus on what is wrong. 

Today, in one brief moment when I heard my mom’s voice “I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no feet”..... I saw my blessings.  With this perspective I found gratitude and felt true happiness.

There are a lot of things I want for 2015.  Some of these things are not within my power to change, but there are many others that are.

One of the most essential lessons I learned this past year was the difference between acceptance and approval. 


Acceptance DOES NOT EQUAL approval. 

• Accepting I can’t always make everyone happy does not equal feeling good when I don't.
• Accepting I can’t change other people and I can only change myself does not equal support of their behavior.
• Accepting my daughter has moved out does not equal approving of her decision.
• Accepting my father has died does not equal feeling okay with this truth.
• Accepting my mother is with him in heaven does not equal approval of God’s decision.

The year 2015 will be about fulfilling Reinhold Niebuhr’s quote “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

With this in mind I would like to move towards accomplishing the following things in 2015.  I may not achieve all of these things to my perfection, but I am okay with this.  I feel energized just thinking about all the possibilities.  Personal growth happens during the journey, not when we cross the finish line.

At the top of my mind, tip of my heart and the spark of my nerves, this is what I think about when I imagine what I want to happen 2015.   At a later time I will define HOW….

1. Write.
   
2. Race.  I don’t know if that means triathlons or half marathons, but I do know that having a race in my future keeps me focused.  More importantly, working through the challenge always makes me feel proud.
3. Prioritize my nutrition.  Spend time understanding and eliminating all the allergens that make me feel terrible.  This means changing my relationship with food and fighting the urge to replace one addiction with another.
4. Spend less time on my phone, lost in social media, distracting me from what is important.
5. Focus on Austin’s life after high school (SAT course, SAT test, ACT course, ACT test, college visits, meeting with counselors, umpire training, budgeting, summer job).
6. Find ways to foster Ryanne’s talents (voice lessons, musicals, 5th Avenue workshops).
7. Create moments and memories that continue to strengthen Ryan and my relationship.
8. Clean out the clutter.  Get rid of what I don’t use or don’t need. Minimize and simplify.
9. Read…a lot.
10. Say 'NO' to the things I really don't want to do and the things that keep me from reaching my personal goals.

Let the journey begin!!!!