Once upon a time there was a girl named Jill. Her parents claimed she wasn’t an ‘oops baby’, but the 12 years difference between her older siblings and she says otherwise. For THREE WHOLE YEARS Jill was loved and adored as the baby of the family. And then this happened……
Well, the actual moment everything changed was several months before this, but I can’t even bear to think about that. It’s not overly important the exact minutes/seconds in which Jill’s life changed forever. What is important though, it did.
On August 28th, 1978 I was no longer the baby in the family. I was promoted (or demoted depending on how you think about it) to big sister of a whopping 10 pound baby girl named Kim.
I didn’t mind the demotion. There may not have been enough room for me to rest on daddy’s chest, but I used this time to practice for when it was my turn.
On August 28th, 1978 I was no longer the baby in the family. I was promoted (or demoted depending on how you think about it) to big sister of a whopping 10 pound baby girl named Kim.
I didn’t mind the demotion. There may not have been enough room for me to rest on daddy’s chest, but I used this time to practice for when it was my turn.
Kimmy was my favorite! I loved Kim almost as much as Kim loved food. I mean, look, she couldn’t even zip up her pajamas. Her belly busted the zipper of these poor jammies.
| Due to her big bald head, round belly and curvaceous thighs our dad gave Kimmy the nickname, ‘Odd Job’. Odd Job was a character in the James Bond film, Goldfinger. When she wasn’t hobbling around, she was bobbing under water. Kim learned to swim when she was one years old without any flotation devices. She’d bob up and down in the water pushing along her favorite swimming companion, a naked plastic doll. |  |
Hardly able to walk Kimmy caught people off guard with her ability to swim. Camping at the Chelan State Park she hobbled down to the end of the dock and threw her naked baby off the end. All the nice people sitting on the dock said “Oh honey. Here let me get that for you.” Before they could get their drunk, sunburned asses off the dock, Odd Job jumped off the end and swam to shore.
Kimmy was great at most things. I mean, of course she was, she learned from me. I tried to mentor her the best I could. I taught her so many valuable lessons in life, like how to cheer and pretend she knew the Pledge of Allegiance.
Kimmy was great at most things. I mean, of course she was, she learned from me. I tried to mentor her the best I could. I taught her so many valuable lessons in life, like how to cheer and pretend she knew the Pledge of Allegiance.
I tried teaching her how to fish, but she was never as good of a fisherman as I was. She was too busy posing and rocking her sweet swimsuit.
I did impress upon her the importance of sharing our musical talents. Here we are in the school talent show. I was playing the piano while we both sang a duet to “We are the World”. I’m just so very, very sad there was not a video camera to capture our raw talent and the pained faces of our audience.
Kimmy took that experience, enamored by the spotlight, and continued to share her musical gifts. She graced our family with flute and piano concerts. She played her flute while my mom played the piano at the same time. It would be an inaccurate description to call my mom the accompanist since neither of them were playing on the same sheet music. Despite the off tune performance, I remember it being exquisite. The concert was ALMOST a sellout, but our older sister, Debbie, refused to buy a ticket. She said she was happy standing in back. I’m guessing she couldn’t swing the 10 cents for a front row seat or five cents for the nosebleed section.
There wasn’t one person who didn’t love Kimmy, and there wasn’t one spotlight Kimmy didn’t love. In the summer while our family skied at the State Park in Lake Chelan, Kimmy was adamant she didn’t want to ski. That is, until my mom told her everyone was watching. Kimmy said, “Fine! Dad, just take me for a short little loop.” Our dad set her up in the skis, pulled her out of the water and fought all the boats to make just a short little loop. Kimmy used this opportunity to hang onto the rope and wave to all of her fans. She was unwilling to let go until she was sure certain everyone had seen the cute little girl on skis.
Kimmy was a pretty awesome little girl, but as much as I loved her, she wasn’t perfect. She obviously had a few less than charming moments.
There wasn’t one person who didn’t love Kimmy, and there wasn’t one spotlight Kimmy didn’t love. In the summer while our family skied at the State Park in Lake Chelan, Kimmy was adamant she didn’t want to ski. That is, until my mom told her everyone was watching. Kimmy said, “Fine! Dad, just take me for a short little loop.” Our dad set her up in the skis, pulled her out of the water and fought all the boats to make just a short little loop. Kimmy used this opportunity to hang onto the rope and wave to all of her fans. She was unwilling to let go until she was sure certain everyone had seen the cute little girl on skis.
Kimmy was a pretty awesome little girl, but as much as I loved her, she wasn’t perfect. She obviously had a few less than charming moments.
And I’m guessing this was the time she brought home LICE.
All in all, she was a really good intern, I mean sister. She listened. She followed instructions. She let me dress us both up like hookers.
Truthfully, we dressed up this way for Halloween. She was Cindy Lauper and I was a punk rocker, but we did look a little tawdry. When we were little and had been caught playing in our mom’s makeup, our dad would facetiously exclaim “Ohhhh honey. You look JUST like a hooker.” We wore that compliment proudly.
Truthfully, we dressed up this way for Halloween. She was Cindy Lauper and I was a punk rocker, but we did look a little tawdry. When we were little and had been caught playing in our mom’s makeup, our dad would facetiously exclaim “Ohhhh honey. You look JUST like a hooker.” We wore that compliment proudly.
For years I had convinced Kim…. Dad was the boss of Mom, Mom was the boss of Debbie, Debbie was the boss of Jeff, Jeff was the boss of Jill and Jill was the boss of Kim. When Kimmy asked me who SHE was the boss of, I told her “Benji and Scooter.” (Our dogs.)
In time, unfortunately for me, Kim realized she did not need to live life under my dictatorship. This was a tough, tough adjustment for me. I’m guessing this is why I burned her shoulder with a hot curling iron and why I hid nasty stuff inside her Oreos. But, come on, I was furious she wouldn’t pick up the leaves with her bare hands after I nicely raked them into piles. She will tell you I purposely raked dog poop into those same piles, but I admit to no such thing. [cough]
In time, unfortunately for me, Kim realized she did not need to live life under my dictatorship. This was a tough, tough adjustment for me. I’m guessing this is why I burned her shoulder with a hot curling iron and why I hid nasty stuff inside her Oreos. But, come on, I was furious she wouldn’t pick up the leaves with her bare hands after I nicely raked them into piles. She will tell you I purposely raked dog poop into those same piles, but I admit to no such thing. [cough]
Over the years, as Kimmy and I grew older we walked the line of sister, enemy and friend. When we fought our dad would say to us “You’re going to be best friends one day.” Disgusted by each other, it was impossible to imagine this being true, especially when she was in my closet 24/7 stealing my clothes...and my UNDERWEAR.
He was right though. When it was her birthday I took money out of my piggy bank and bought her a stuffed Spuds MacKenzie dog at the local garage sale. When she was being harassed and bullied by some guys during high school, I shredded them to pieces. When she left for college, I sat on her bed and cried.
While she was away at college, it was the first time in 18 years I was without her. As sad as I was, I believe this is when she grew as a person and learned the most valuable lessons in life. She learned how to beer bong AND find her way home afterwards. She bravely studied in Mexico for six months during college, something her big sister would have never had the courage to do. While in college she met the man of her dreams, a guy equally as wonderful as her. It didn’t take them long to decide they wanted to build a life together, and what a wonderful life they’ve built.
He was right though. When it was her birthday I took money out of my piggy bank and bought her a stuffed Spuds MacKenzie dog at the local garage sale. When she was being harassed and bullied by some guys during high school, I shredded them to pieces. When she left for college, I sat on her bed and cried.
While she was away at college, it was the first time in 18 years I was without her. As sad as I was, I believe this is when she grew as a person and learned the most valuable lessons in life. She learned how to beer bong AND find her way home afterwards. She bravely studied in Mexico for six months during college, something her big sister would have never had the courage to do. While in college she met the man of her dreams, a guy equally as wonderful as her. It didn’t take them long to decide they wanted to build a life together, and what a wonderful life they’ve built.
Birdy is quite lucky I like him so much. Otherwise, he might have found himself huddled in the corner much like those high school boys I ripped apart on the phone.
| Who am I kidding? Kimmy can take care of herself. She is so fiercely determined that men whimper in shame. She's one of the toughest mo-fo’s I know. A few years ago while competing in an Ironman, Kimmy earned her new nickname: THE DIESEL. Fit, ripped men were falling to pieces during the race, but THE DIESEL picked them off, one by one. Slow, steady, determined and freakishly strong. Even if Kimmy came second (after me) and stole the show, I am her biggest fan. Words cannot express how much respect and love I have for my little sister. She has the determination and spirit of our mom. She has the rational and patient heart of our dad. She has both of my parents' sense of devotion and love. |  |
She has the kindest and most giving heart of anyone I know. Despite loving the spotlight when she was little, she is incredibly humble. I’ve told Kimmy over and over again, it’s too bad she didn’t come first because she is the true leader between the two of us.
She’s an amazing wife, mother, daughter, aunt, sister and most of all friend. The world is blessed to know and love her. And I’m so unbelievably grateful she forgave me for burning her with the hot curling iron.
But most of all, we are all lucky Mike and Diana got down and dirty one last time.
Happy Birthday to the the most amazing person in the whole wide world!!!
She’s an amazing wife, mother, daughter, aunt, sister and most of all friend. The world is blessed to know and love her. And I’m so unbelievably grateful she forgave me for burning her with the hot curling iron.
But most of all, we are all lucky Mike and Diana got down and dirty one last time.
Happy Birthday to the the most amazing person in the whole wide world!!!
 |  |
RSS Feed