A few weeks back Ryan and I had a conversation regarding a few of my goals and ambitions.   Other than sharing my dreams with my husband, I’ve been cradling them in my hands afraid to let them fly….and fail. 

The discussion was one of our tougher talks.  He basically told me “Shit or get off the pot.” He didn’t use those exact words because he’s much classier than I, but the message was clear.  My husband is smart and more talented than anyone I’ve ever met.  He dreams big and is in continuous pursuit of his ambitions.  He’s incredibly entrepreneurial and is always making things happen.  He takes risks and is not afraid to fail.  

I, on the other hand, am deathly afraid of failing.  Not because my dreams won’t come to fruition, but because it might confirm something far scarier.  Failure will confirm what I’ve been telling myself for so long…..I’m not good enough.  I may never be good enough. Why me?

I have all kinds of reasons why I believe these things to be true and why it’s an ongoing issue, but we won’t go there today.   I’ll write about all that juicy stuff when I’m ready.

Today, I wanted to share with you why I haven’t been posting any blogs.  The truth is, I have been writing.  I’ve been waking up at 5:00 am before work and at 7:00 am on the weekends to work on me and my goals.  I committed to myself and my husband in that one conversation I will no longer have any zero sum days.     

I wake up early because it’s the one time of the day I’m uninterrupted.  The dog lays at my feet underneath the desk in the office.  I can feel the soft huff of his breath hit my ankles as I type.  It’s quiet and peaceful and my most favorite time of day.

I split my time in the morning between focused work on two different goals.  I’ve been working through writing exercises to enhance my usage of words, the rhythmic sound and the picture they paint.   In the stillness of the morning I’m able to take myself back to when I was eight years old and walk through my childhood kitchen.  I’m working on exercises to help me better describe the setting in ways any reader could place themselves in that same room.

Yes, writing is one of my dreams but I have others.  In time, my sweets, I will also be ready to talk about those.  For right now I’m working on not having any zero sum days.  I’m working on taking small steps towards my goals and ambitions.  More importantly, I’m working on changing my mindset to “Why NOT me??”

It was one year ago today we said goodbye to our mom.  My siblings and I had kept vigil by her side all night long, sleeping in chairs until 4:30 am when we finally said goodbye.  It was one of the more painful days of my life, a day shadowed in surreal disbelief. 

Over the last year it has felt as though everything has changed and yet there are times it feels as though nothing has changed.  The heartbeat of life has continued without pause.   The birds still sing. The flowers still bloom.  School and work beckon and our future patiently awaits. 

Fourth of July in our family has always been a wonderful holiday and a time for the family to celebrate our freedom and the love of our family.  Growing up we celebrated the holiday with parades, swim races and fireworks on Angle Lake.  In later years it was spent with morning water skiing, boat rides, ice cream and fireworks on Lake Chelan.   This year was no different and yet completely different all at the same time. 

We played, laughed and celebrated, but the loss and absence of our parents still tugged at our hearts.   

There have been days I’ve felt bitter at the unfairness.  Sometimes the memories of those moments in the hospital surface through my subconscious and make me feel terribly sad.  But somehow over the past year we’ve managed to make our way through to find new hope for tomorrow.  This year we celebrated our lives, our family and my parents legacy with gratitude.  We have each other and we were loved by two people who sacrificed everything to give us such wonderful blessings.

Today, in memory of our mom I will share the poem I wrote shortly after her diagnosis.

Cancer…Your evil ways
12.10.2012

You crept into our lives in the darkness of the night.
Silently you entered without so much a fight.
You hid yourself in guise leading all off course
Buying time to grow until we found the source.

You weaved your web of grey taking cells by one.
The bodies now half broken without a loaded gun.
You found your way and struck into our family core.
You grew within the man, the father to us four.

He fought and tried to keep your evil grip at bay.
Your hold onto his body would not go away.
He left you in his flesh to begin his journey home.
You took away his laughter, his soul was left to roam.

We feel his presence daily guided by his hand.
We need his strength today with Our Saviors newest plan.
You’ve woven in the dark and caught us once again
Striking wounded hearts barely on the mend.

You demonstrate no pity to hit us all once more.
You’ve taken on another, the mother of us four.
You’ve brought us to our knees pleading for your grace.
Have mercy on our family leave without a trace.

We recognize your evil and this is not your way.
You made your mark in flesh and found a place to stay.
You take our blood and body, and cause our hearts to cry
But our spirits live on always, our souls are free to fly.

You will win these battles in your clever ways,
But our faith will never waiver in our love and praise.
We honor Him and know the journey that awaits
Eternity with loved ones beyond Heaven’s gate.