​It has been a tough couple weeks.  While taking my 6am yoga class this morning I let the tears roll down my cheeks.  It felt like a safe place to let go, since no one could really tell a difference between my tears and my sweat.  After class was finished I laid in the room for ten extra minutes and just let myself cry.

Everything feels a little more heartbreaking right now because I can’t call my parents for the support I would have typically sought in the past.
 
If I could call my parents tonight there is so much I would share.  I would tell them about all the wonderful things happening in my life, but I would also let the tears fall as I shared what weighs heavy on my heart.  In return, I would receive validation, comfort, advice and love. 
 
Tonight, amongst other issues, I would talk about my kids.  They know how much I love my kids. God knows how much I love my kids, and my kids know how much I love them.  Tonight, despite how much I love them, they are bumming me out.
 
I could be honest with my parents and they wouldn’t think I was a bad parent.  They would know it is because of the immeasurable amount of love and belief I have in my kids is why I feel the way I do.
 
My two teenagers are unbelievably talented, beautiful and smart.  Yet, with a frustration probably not atypical from many other parents,  at times I see them disregarding their God given gifts and opportunities.  Typical teenage stuff.  Prioritizing friends. Procrastinating or not completing homework because video games or Netflix awaits.  Distracting themselves with phones that vibrate every 20 seconds with new Snapchat updates.  Things they will never remember two weeks from now,  let alone two years from now. 
 
As a parent it is the scariest darn thing to see your children not harnessing the gifts and talents God perfectly created when they were in the womb.  I panic and my heart breaks every time I think of another door slowly start to close.  I want to pull my hair out when I try to understand why they want to do things the hard way.  Why make it tougher than it needs to be?
 
Being a teenager is hard, and parenting is hard.  Really hard.    It’s a struggle sometimes to make sure our kids know how much we love them, even when we discipline.  It’s not easy to make your kids understand how proud you are of them, while continuously encouraging them to be their best.  It’s beyond difficult to help them see the daily decisions they are making today are important.  Really important.

If I were telling my parents all of this over the phone they would probably remind me their job wasn't any easier.
 
Life isn’t always laughter, puppy kisses and yoga.  Sometimes it’s a knockdown battle you have no choice but to keep fighting.   
 
And sometimes when you don’t have parents to call, imagining the conversation you would have can feel a little bittersweet.

For weeks I’ve wanted to make meditation a part of my daily routine.  There are countless studies proving the benefits of meditating on a regular basis.  Harvard conducted an eight week study of individuals who meditated for 30 minutes every day, and it was the first study to document that meditation actually changes the brain matter within the hippocampus.  Hippocampus is known to be important for compassion, introspection, learning and memory.  It showed….

Sorry.  I forgot what I wanted to say.

Countless studies have produced numerous benefits including, but not limited to, reduction in anxiety, stress, depression, help with addiction and an increase in attention and focus.  Group meditation is being practiced in prisons resulting in 30% reduction in recidivism rates and fewer rule infractions.  Meditation in schools are improving attendance rates by as much as 98%, reduction in suspensions by 45% and improvement in grade point averages as well as student proficiency scores.

The studies prove over and over again why implementing a daily meditation practice into your life is extremely beneficial.  And yet…days go by and then I will think “Oh darn.  I wanted to meditate today.  Okay maybe tomorrow.”  (Memory lapse???  I’m assuming so.)

So last night I actually created an entry in my calendar to remind me when I woke up this morning that I wanted to meditate.

I came up to my office, closed the door, pulled out my Hugger Mugger cushion and sat down on the floor.  Hopped back up to let the dog in because mornings are our special time together and his little face broke my heart as I closed the door on him. 

Sit back down, put on my headphones to listen to a meditation app timed for 15 minutes.  Settle in…ahh….this is good.  Doggie licks right hand…must be the peanut butter from my toast this morning.  I brush him away.  Okay…..here we go.  Doggie licks left hand.  Swat him away.  Mmmmmm that peanut butter toast was good. 

Focus on breathing…inhale….exhale….inhale…exhale.

This is going to be so good for me.  Adam said it takes him a while to quiet the monkey mind and settle in.  That’s interesting.  Oh geesh….let go of that thought.  Bye Adam….

Inhale….exhale…..inhale….exhale….

I have an itch on the middle of my back.  I was told I should just acknowledge the itch and be curious.  Huh…the itch went away…interesting. 

I’m going to write a blog about meditating.  Maybe I’ll write about my experience today…

Oh wait…let it go.  Don’t follow the thoughts.   Exhale those thoughts…come back to my breath.  Inhale…exhale.    This is nice….

Maybe I’ll title the blog ‘Meditation and Peanut Butter Fingers’….no that’s stupid.  Jesus….breath.  Inhale….exhale…..

Settling in……inhale….exhale…..inhale…..exhale….inhale….exhale

Ding. 
Ding. 
Ding. 

​Times up.  That was nice.  I’m going to do this again tomorrow IF……. I don’t forget.

Today would have been my parent's 54th anniversary.  I've thought of them every day since their passing.  Today is no different.  The only difference between today and every other day is the time I spent reflecting upon their marriage. 

It's impossible to say any marriage is perfect, at least if you define perfect by our idealizations and what is modeled in the movies.  We often times create an image in our head of what we want our life to look like, how we imagine our kids will behave and what we expect of an ideal spouse.  The truth is, the closest we can come to perfect is when we accept the imperfections.  My parent's marriage was imperfectly perfect. 

If they were here today I'm sure they could quickly list the things they would change about the other person if they had their way.  I'm guessing my mom would've wanted my dad to take better care of himself, be a little more adventurous and be more driven to climb the corporate ladder.  My dad would have probably wanted my mom to dial back her intensity, lower the volume in her voice and interrupt a little less.  However, I believe that if each one changed those pieces of themselves they would have lost so much of what made them work well together.  

My dad's laid back behavior toned down the intensity of my mom.  They not only learned to accept each other's faults, but they learned to laugh about it.  He would say, "I'm sorry Diana.  I shouldn't be talking while you are interrupting."  His lack of interest in exercise or healthy eating, well, the only good thing that came from that is the material he used to make everyone laugh.  In contrast to my father's sometimes lackadaisical behavior, my mother's intensity got shit done.  Because she was intense and driven, our family experienced amazing things.  I think we all could have done without the 'Power Yell', but even that got shit done. 

They fought. They made mistakes.  They made up.  They accepted and forgave.   They loved each other...imperfections and all.  

For those of you who know my family, you know the Crosby kids were never deprived or short on the reception of their love.  But as kids we knew they loved each other more than they loved us.  I say this with pride.  They loved each other with priority and abundance so as kids we felt safe.  We felt secure.   We felt love all around us.

And so today, although broken hearted they are not here, I am thankful they are together.  I believe it is because they loved one another as they were,  they are together today loving one another where they are.

I wrote this poem several months ago in honor of my parents. I know they are here all the time.  They live within us and around us always.   Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad.  

Sun Kisses
 
I did not want to leave
I could not say goodbye
You asked me to let go
And let my spirit fly
 
Caught your tears as I left
Released them up above
When it rains on your face
This is me, my love.
 
I am on the hillside
In the grass that grows
I caress your skin
In the wind that blows.

Know that I am here
Though not in flesh and bone
I am all around you.
You are not alone.
Birds who fly and sing
Sun kisses on your face
I am all around you
I fill the empty space
 
You took my pain that day
Held it as your own
You freed me from my chains
To begin my journey home
 
You long to hear my voice
With aching in your heart
Do not weep, my love
We are not far apart
 
I caress your head
As you start to dream
I have never left
I’m closer than it seems.
 
Know that I am here
Though not in flesh and bone
I am all around you.
You are not alone.
Birds who fly and sing
Sun kisses on your face
I am all around you
I fill the empty space
​