Okay...I lied.  I cried one more time.  Before graduation as we were eating dinner, I looked across the table to see something special.  Austin was wearing my dad's watch.  He then pulled out a chain and cross tucked beneath his shirt.  It was one of the last gifts from my mom to her grandson.  He said he wanted his grandma and grandpa with him on his graduation day.

​This past weekend we hosted his graduation party.  We spent many hours over the past several weeks getting the yard ready.  I had visions of everyone sitting on the back deck, listening to Jack Johnson and making s’mores around the fire.  As Mother Nature would have it, she tried to rain on our parade.  But try as she might, she did not dampen our spirits.  See what I did there?? (I guarantee my husband is rolling his eyes as he reads this.)

The top three highlights of the party…

1. My brother read from one of Austin's projects in elementary school.  It was a book from the second grade in which his classmates wrote little notes about him.  I will let you watch the short video here.

​​​My brother, Jeff....
​He has built his business from the ground up.  Taken risks and worked hard to provide for his family.  He dedicates countless hours to ensure his family has the best opportunities in life.  Most importantly, he has never used his work to distract him from his most valued position as a dad.  He has coached more of his kid’s basketball teams than I care to count, and taken the kids on more inner tubing boat rides than I care to join.  Not only has he prioritized his children above all else, he has loved his nieces and nephews as if they were his own.  We have been blessed beyond measure from his love and devotion.​

​My brother-in- law, Jeff….
I’ve never known a dad who enjoys being a father more than he.  His three kids have always been included in his adventures and zest for life.  He works countless hours to provide for his family, but ALWAYS makes the time to share a video or recent pictures of his kids.  He was just as excited to watch his daughters dance as he was to watch his son play football. Whether it is building a boat, fixing the car, or hiking across Spain for a trip of a lifetime, he has created a life full of richness in adventures for his children.  
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My brother-in-law, Birdy….
For years, I had no doubt Birdy would be an amazing father.  However, the dad he is today far surpassed anything I could have imagined.  The love and devotion he shows his daughter is nothing short of admirable.  From brushing her hair and helping her get ready for school, to building forts in the living room and hiking in the outdoors, I’ve never seen a dad who has more fun hanging with his little buddy.  I watch him and I cannot help but think he has achieved this perfect balance.  He parents with a patient and firm hand, but loves devoutly with the softest of hearts.
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My father-in-law, Mike….
When I first started dating my husband I was afraid what his parents would think.  Dating a single mother may not have been what they planned for.  Mike worked countless hours and sacrificed to provide his only son with a costly, private education.  He had done everything within his power to create opportunities for Ryan.  I was afraid how I and my kids would fit into the vision he had for his son.  Mike has not only accepted and loved me and my children as if we were his own, he has devoted more hours than I could have ever anticipated sitting in the baseball stands and choir auditoriums to support his grandchildren.  We are humbly blessed by his acceptance, love and unwavering devotion.​

​The countless coaches ….
Over the years my kids have played soccer, basketball, baseball and football.  These coaches have dedicated hours on end to lead my kids through the formative years in their life.  They taught them the skill of the game, but more importantly the coaches taught them some of the most valuable lessons in life.  Work hard.  Support your team.  Show up on time.  Be responsible.  Be disciplined.  Respect your peers.  Respect your leaders.   Win and lose equally with grace.   I can never adequately express my appreciation for the leaders in my kid’s life who have left a profound and lasting impact on who they are today.
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My dad….
I’ve written many times about my father.  Nothing I can write here will come close to illustrating what I feel in my heart when I think of him.  He encapsulated everything I wrote about and listed above, but there is more.  There is an indescribable feeling I have when I think of who he was, and how blessed I am to have him as my dad.  I can’t capture it in a sentence or a paragraph.  The best I can do in this moment is write a series of words that remind me of my dad.  Present.  Loving. Fair. Funny. Provider. Patient. Stern. Dedicated. Tireless. Hard worker. Selfless.  Diplomatic. Disarming. Social. Compassionate. Protective. Generous. Devoted. Missed terribly.​

​My husband Ryan….
When my husband and I first started dating, he spent several months playing hard to get.  He took a very long time to tell me he loved me and commit to being in a serious relationship.  He has always been a prudent person who had personal rules and plans for his life.  Dating a single mother was not part of the vision he had built for himself.  He knew dating me was not something he could take lightly.  If he was ‘in’, he was ‘all in.’     

Once my husband made a decision to be a part of our lives, he has done so with unwavering love and dedication.  He has sacrificed and devoted so much of himself to be the best father figure he can possibly be.  You will never attend a choir concert, a talent show, a baseball game and not see Ryan sitting by my side.  He has worked hard to provide for our family, and worked even harder to create opportunities for all of us.

He has anticipated the needs of Austin and Ryanne and generously given to them when even I didn’t see what it was they might need.  He has loved them without restraint.  His heart has ached for them when he has seen them struggle.  He has lain awake at night thinking about them. 
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His goals of being retired at age 40, living in his downtown loft and driving his Aston Martin were replaced  with an Audi station wagon, a dog and a suburban existence.  He will tell you today, he loves his life.  It has filled him with a richness he had not anticipated. 

But what he can’t tell you is how Austin, Ryanne and I feel about the contribution he has made to our three lives.  Our lives are complete.  Our cups are full.  Our home is safe and loving.  Our hearts are grateful.  Our love for Ryan is immeasurable.    

​Thank you to all the fathers who I have mentioned, and to those I have not. Thank you for the choices you make, the sacrifices you give and the love you show.  

It’s been five years.  Five years since you’ve been gone.  Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday.  The memories are so fresh in my mind.  Yet, there are times it feels like it was decades ago.  Things have changed so much since you’ve left.  I’ve changed.

When you are grieving people say, “In time, it will get easier.”  “In time, you will think of only the good and recall the memories with warmth and not pain.”  These are all half-truths.  Things have become easier, but they’ve also become harder.  It is true, the sharp pains have gone.  However, it is the long dull ache that remains.  I long to be the same person I was before cancer took you.  The person who laughed freely, who played practical jokes on my co-workers, the person who wasn’t so concerned about finding her purpose.  Your death reminded me of how much purpose you can have in this life, and how much of a difference one person can make.  Your death reminded me that life is too short, therefore I must find my purpose today.  I miss the carefree me, but mainly I miss you.

Most days when I think of you I can remember your hugs and your whiskers lightly grazing my cheek.  I felt so safe and loved when you wrapped me up in your arms.  Dad, you loved me even when I felt most unlovable.  I think of your humor and how your belly shook every time you laughed.  You laughed often, and you made others laugh even more.  You were fair and kind.  Your way with words was a crafted art that could disarm the angriest of beasts.

Dad, I do think of all these beautiful things, but the memories of the day you left are etched in my brain as if it happened moments ago.  These memories strike me at the oddest moments and grip my insides without mercy.  It was five years ago today, the first worst day of my life happened.  It was on that day I realized I am not immune from anything.  The shelter and safety your embrace afforded me was gone.  My glass house of happiness was shattered.

Every day I have struggled to build myself back up, to accept what I do not approve.  I have had to consciously choose whether or not I want to be happy, happy without contingencies.  This is harder than you think, choosing to be happy when life does not deliver what you want.

Dad, you were a great man, the greatest man I’ve ever known.  I’m doing my best to raise a son who is your equal.  You would be so proud.  He is everything you would imagine he would be.   You loved him deeply and he loved you just as much.

I remember the day you found out I was pregnant.  You walked through the kitchen door after a long day at work and mom blurted out the news, “Jill’s pregnant.”  I can still picture the palm of your hand slapping your forehead as your head dropped back and you let out an anguished sigh.  I wasn’t married.  I was attending college and still living with you.  I was seven months pregnant.

You had two months to adjust to the idea of your 3rd child becoming a parent in less than desirable conditions.  Yet, you and mom both adored your new grandchild the moment he was born.  You loved him no less than any of your other grandchildren. I think of this today because your grandson is graduating soon.  I know how happy you would be, standing in the stands to watch him graduate.  And let's be honest, yell something embarrassing as he walked down the aisle.

It is a sad thing to accept you won’t be there in body.  I can only find comfort knowing you are there in spirit.  I find solace believing you would be so darn proud. 

I’ve done my best, daddy.  I’ve done my best to raise my son to be as wonderful as you.

​I think I’ve done a pretty damn good job.

Missing you today and always.
​
Your daughter,
Jill