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Body Dysmorphia...I will love my body when....

6/1/2015

14 Comments

 

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I've had some form of body dysmorphia for as long as I can remember.

Body dysmorphia is known as a disorder in which one believes their own appearance is defective and is worthy of being hidden or fixed. It's a belief that manifests itself into manipulative and intrusive thought processes, ultimately preventing us from loving and accepting the way we look.

My earliest memory of body dysmorphia took place during the Presidential Fitness Test in elementary school.   Everyone had to line up so the PE teacher could take our weight.  The number wasn't yelled aloud, but it might as well have been.  As soon as you stepped off the scale everyone asked "How much did you weigh?"  Each girl ahead of me weighed 86, 75, 80 pounds. I remember feeling so ashamed my number said 102.  That afternoon I sat next to my childhood friend as we rode home on the school bus and all I could think about was the difference in the width of our thighs as our legs rested on the seat of the school bus.   As a little girl I began comparing myself to every other little girl to determine whether or not I was fat. Even going so far as to compare myself against my little sister who is three years my junior.  No one pointed out I was the second tallest girl in the class so of course I'm going to weigh more.  No one told me I may have been a little further along in development than most of my peers.  No one had a clue I needed reassurance I wasn't fat just because I wore bigger sizes than my sister.    All I saw were thighs that were bigger than my peers and a weight that was 15 to 20 pounds heavier.  I look at this little girl in these pictures and I think she's beautiful.  She looks fit and healthy.  But inside, she was picking apart every beautiful thing and continuously telling herself she would love her body when....


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From that moment forward this was the silent message I told myself.  I will love my body when I weigh 145 pounds.  I will love my body when I no longer have a little pouch on my lower abdomen.  I will love my body when I don't have any cellulite on my thighs.  I will love my body when my arms don't wave when I do.

The unhealthy body image of myself continued from elementary school through junior high when I was called waddles because my rear end 'waddled' when I walked.  It was shortly thereafter I starved myself for days until my feet turned blue and my mom made me watch a documentary on Karen Carpenter and her struggle with anorexia.  My body dysmorphia continued through high school when I felt uncomfortable in my drill uniform, cheer uniform and the clothes I wore every other day of the week.  During my high school years I wavered between 135-142 pounds.  I wasn't 110 pounds like some of my peers, but I was not overweight.  I was incredibly active, fit and healthy.    At the time though, that didn't matter. What mattered was the little roll I carried in my lower abdomen.  The lower roll that was blamed for all my unhappiness with my body.  If only that roll disappeared I might like the way I look.  As clear as I can still hear my self-talk during that time, I can also distinctly remember being called "thick".  Someone saw my picture in the yearbook and didn't realize that one simple word would stick with me until this day.

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At some point in my life I changed from being the little girl who felt beautiful in her cheer uniform to the teen who felt ashamed and disgusted.
As my personal disgust with myself increased, so did my obsession with food. Food started to hold as much power over me as my self-destructive thoughts. I starved. I binged.  I purged.  The more I hated my body, the bigger I grew in size.  I hated myself, and with every piece of food I ate I hated myself more.  Yet, it was this strange dichotomy of feelings.  Food made me feel miserable and happy all at the same time.  As I grew in size my dysmorphia changed form.  I didn't realize I was gaining weight.  I did not see myself getting bigger.  It did not register I was continuously outgrowing my wardrobe.  I certainly didn't step on the scale, and I most definitely did not pose for pictures.

It wasn't until I weighed 250 pounds and I was celebrating one of the most special days of my life, I finally acknowledged my size and my unhappiness. It was a beautiful April day and I was the maid of honor in my sister's wedding.  I stood at her side on a day in which memories and the pictures will last forever.  It was on that day I accepted the truth of where I was...with my body and with my heart.  The Spanx I wore underneath my bridesmaid dress could not camouflage and hide everything.   I was unhappy and ready to change.

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Luckily, I had the wherewithal to approach my weight loss with patience and the commitment to change my habits forever.  I wanted to live fit and healthy for the rest of my life, not just for a few months.

I lost a lot of weight over the years with healthy eating and exercise.  I've learned so much about health and nutrition during the process.  However, I never learned the most important part of healthy living.  I never learned how to turn off the negative thought process and the damaging self-talk.  Throughout my entire journey I still told myself ...'I will love my body when....'

My journey of weight loss began as it does for most people...with a vision and a number.  In my case my number was 145.  In many ways that number perpetuated my dysmorphia issues and prevented me from reaching true appreciation and self-love.

My body has been so patient with me and everything I have put it through over the years.  It has loved me even when I haven't loved it.  It has allowed me to run several half marathons...even participate in a half ironman. My body gave me strength when I needed to carry my mom to the bathroom when she was too weak to do so.   My body allows me to wake up early in the morning and hold my own in a fitness class consisting of 75% males.  It has allowed me to practice yoga and play with my kids.   As repayment I've criticized it over and over again.

Recently I had my body composition tested.  My lean body mass (muscle, bones and organs) weighs 133 pounds.  That goal of 145 I set for myself years ago will probably never happen.  I mean, I guess it could if I lost some of my muscle and only ate vegetables and proteins, but my life is about balance.  It's about eating cake on birthdays and having a glass of wine on the weekends.  It's about healthy choices 90% of time.

We aren't puzzle pieces made to fit into this ideal picture we created for ourselves.  We are special beings who should honor our health from the inside out.  By eating healthy.  By staying active.  By speaking kindly to ourselves. And by accepting the imperfections that make us perfect.

At 10 I told myself I would love my body when I weighed the same as my peers.
At 18 I told myself I would love my body when I didn't have a roll on my tummy.
At 29 I told myself I would love my body when I weighed 145 pounds.
At 39 I pulled at the rolls that peeked out over my jeans and picked at the underbelly of my arms.  I told myself I would love my body when I could...just...get...rid...of...these...little...areas.
And then I turned 40....

At 40 years old I pulled out pictures of myself taken years ago and found myself wishing I could look like I did back then.

I've wasted so much time not loving and appreciating my health.  There are people all over this world who would give anything to be able to walk up the stairs without pain or get up out of bed without a chemotherapy port stuck to their chest.  

My goal for my forties is NOT to have legs like J.Lo or arms like Madonna, but to maximize my health from the inside out.  My goal is to eat healthy, exercise and talk to myself kindly.  Instead of seeing cellulite on the back of my legs, I will see legs that allow me to walk and run with my family.  I will spend my 40's thanking my body for its patience and what I've put it through all these years.  I will stop waiting to love my body when......  

My goal for my 40's.... is to love and honor the body I have now.


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14 Comments
Jeny
6/1/2015 11:36:20 am

Jill. This is so powerful and I'm sure so true to so many. And the craziest part is how it's in our heads and not the reality of how others see you. I was always jealous of how pretty and fit and confident you were. I had no idea that you felt like that about yourself. I've had years of the same struggles but I was the fat one. I'm still not used to my average size body and sometimes struggle comparing myself to the unrealistic standards that society thinks we should acheive. And much like you, turning 40 was life changing for me. Mine is as much as accepting my body while wanting to always improve and be healthy but about embracing who I really am and where I am and what I've been through in my life with grace and pride instead of fear of judgment. Thank you so much for sharing.

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melanie
6/1/2015 12:09:32 pm

Jill as i have said i always learn something. I always wished i was in shape like all of you. The thing is i wasn't as big as i thought i was. I am bigger then ever at the moment. But like you said it is a mind set. I am happier then i have ever been except for my weight. I am making steps. Thank you for your honesty.

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Jill
6/2/2015 01:04:51 pm

Melanie, I believe true happiness is the biggest contributor to good health and beauty. You glow with both. I have always admired your ever ready smile. Your spirit makes people feel special just being around you. I believe good health begins from the inside out and it sounds like you are taking all the right steps. Thank you Melanie for your kind words...not only in this post but in response to many of the posts I've written in the past!!

Jill
6/2/2015 12:59:12 pm

Jeny, thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you are embracing 40 and all the beautiful gifts you have to offer. You are a remarkably strong and incredible lady. I hope you can stop remembering yourself as the "fat one" as you posted above, and remember yourself as I remember you...smart, fun, a sweet person with a good heart, a good friend and a very pretty girl with a beautiful smile.XOXO

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Ruthie
6/1/2015 01:30:16 pm

Your strength and insight on life amazes me, Jill. I feel so sorry that you went through those struggles in high school and later. What I saw in school was a beautiful, nice and smart young woman. Never once did I see you as you saw yourself. I can not tell you how much this post hit home with me. I am dreading 40 like I've never dreaded an age before, mostly because I am not where I thought I should be, nor do I look the way I think I should. But you have truly inspired me to heal from the inside out. Many years of emotional tormenting on different levels can certainly take its toll, but the hope of your words makes me want to do better. For me. For my own healing. I thank you for that. Tears are running now. You are a beautiful human being, Jill and I thank you for posting this.

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Jill
6/2/2015 01:14:41 pm

Ruthie, I can't thank you enough for your heartfelt response. It can be so painful when don't meet the expectations we subconsciously or consciously put on ourselves. I don't know where you want to be or where you planned to be by 40, but I see an amazing mother with three incredibly beautiful children. Your love and devotion to not only your immediate family, but to your parents and siblings is truly admirable. Without looking at Facebook I can picture your pretty face. A face that immediately makes people feel happier and at the risk of sounding cheesy, brightens a room. It is the same pretty face I remember from high school. You have been so kind and supportive to me in the last four years since I lost my parents. Your beauty inside and out should be celebrated...because you are a true gift to those who are lucky enough to know and love you. Plan your 40th birthday (that's what I did) so you can celebrate your entrance into the best years yet to come!!! The great news about 40.....our lives aren't even half over. We have the rest of our lives to be happy and healthy and do all the things we still want to do!

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Louisa
6/1/2015 01:47:22 pm

Jill,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. All I can say is AMAZING. You are AMAZING! Vulnerability girl. You nailed it. And in doing so have inspired others without even knowing it.

May the Angels and God continue to bless you and help you see all the beauty you hold on the inside. For that my dear is what counts!

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Jill
6/2/2015 01:17:49 pm

Wow! Thank you Louisa. I take your words as a true compliment. I see you as the fiercest warrior I know. YOU, my dear, have inspired me!! I have seen from a distance your fight and I admire your strength greatly. I also hope God continues to bless you and guide you through your journey. Keep posting pictures of your beautiful boys. It's fun to see. :) Thank you Louisa!!

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Allison
6/2/2015 03:07:30 am

Wow Jill, this is truly powerful. It speaks to me in a big way. I lost 100 lbs a few years ago, got down to a size 8/10 (160 lbs)... felt awesome yet... that was the most critical I have ever been about my body... I would cry and torture myself and my husband over how 'awful' I looked... when in reality I looked great! When I was 175lbs and pregnant with my first child, wearing a size 12 pant and my OB told me I was obese... that set the tone for a pregnancy where I constantly cried and fretted about the weight I was putting on. It's crazy how much pressure we put on ourselves. For what it's worth, I remember seeing you in your cheer uniform or as a homecoming or prom princess and envying you... thinking you were so beautiful... to someone who didn't interact with you on the daily, you seemed confident, and happy. It never would have occurred to me (even now) that you had those thoughts... I think we all do. Hang in there, more power to you for recognizing it and trying to overcome it! You look fabulous, own it! :)

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Allison
6/2/2015 01:31:32 pm

Allison, I think you are right. I believe many people have some of the same self-destructive thoughts. I write because it helps to put words to what I feel, but I also write because I want others to know they are not alone. We would never say to our best friend the things we say to ourselves. If we did, we would watch our friend crumble to pieces. Yet, we do it to ourselves day in and day out and then we wonder why we struggle. I posted my lean body mass weight in the blog, because it was so eye opening to me. My lean body mass weighs more than my husband's ENTIRE body. Weight can be so misleading and sometimes discouraging. Frankly, my regular doctor would probably look at my weight now and have some negative feedback. But that number is not the whole picture, and sometimes our doctors don't know everything. I'm sorry your doctor made you feel that way. I will bet you were a beautiful mama. As much love as you show your kids today, I bet you were glowing from that love as you protected them in your belly. Thank you for your continuous kind words and support. It means more than words can say. Keep on keeping on Allison. You are beautiful and wonderful!!

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Jeff booher
6/2/2015 12:25:20 pm

This is some of your best writing.. it has such a ring of truth....for so many....thank you for your post..... it was a pleasure to read...thank you...

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Jill
6/2/2015 01:37:52 pm

Ahhh....thank you Jeff. Sometimes you are a man of many words and sometimes you are man of few. These words you wrote above were perfect and means so much to me!! Thank you Jeff. I'd get all mushy on you, but I know you'd hate that. :)

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Monica
6/3/2015 08:38:11 am

Thank you Jill for sharing your journey. During high school, you always seemed to have a smile on your face, lots of positive energy and sweet to everyone. I never would have guessed you had struggled. Your post resonated with me as I tend to compare myself to others and not being happy with what I see in myself or things I've accomplished. It's hard to shed those bad thoughts when they crop up, but I'm determined to try and not take them with me into my 40s.

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Gloria St John
7/24/2015 05:14:58 am

It's so hard to open up and talk about our insecurities and struggles - especially as women! I am truly humbled at your bravery at sharing your journey with body dysmorphia. I have struggled with this all my life and now that I am getting older and have turned 40, I am finally getting comfort able in my own skin, but I still have a long journey to travel to reach my health and fitness goals! I just wanted to let you know that these words have touched my heart and have been such an inspiration! You are beautiful-inside and out!! God has truly blessed you with an amazing talent. Keep on writing!

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