The discussion was one of our tougher talks. He basically told me “Shit or get off the pot.” He didn’t use those exact words because he’s much classier than I, but the message was clear. My husband is smart and more talented than anyone I’ve ever met. He dreams big and is in continuous pursuit of his ambitions. He’s incredibly entrepreneurial and is always making things happen. He takes risks and is not afraid to fail.
I, on the other hand, am deathly afraid of failing. Not because my dreams won’t come to fruition, but because it might confirm something far scarier. Failure will confirm what I’ve been telling myself for so long…..I’m not good enough. I may never be good enough. Why me?
I have all kinds of reasons why I believe these things to be true and why it’s an ongoing issue, but we won’t go there today. I’ll write about all that juicy stuff when I’m ready.
Today, I wanted to share with you why I haven’t been posting any blogs. The truth is, I have been writing. I’ve been waking up at 5:00 am before work and at 7:00 am on the weekends to work on me and my goals. I committed to myself and my husband in that one conversation I will no longer have any zero sum days.
I wake up early because it’s the one time of the day I’m uninterrupted. The dog lays at my feet underneath the desk in the office. I can feel the soft huff of his breath hit my ankles as I type. It’s quiet and peaceful and my most favorite time of day.
I split my time in the morning between focused work on two different goals. I’ve been working through writing exercises to enhance my usage of words, the rhythmic sound and the picture they paint. In the stillness of the morning I’m able to take myself back to when I was eight years old and walk through my childhood kitchen. I’m working on exercises to help me better describe the setting in ways any reader could place themselves in that same room.
Yes, writing is one of my dreams but I have others. In time, my sweets, I will also be ready to talk about those. For right now I’m working on not having any zero sum days. I’m working on taking small steps towards my goals and ambitions. More importantly, I’m working on changing my mindset to “Why NOT me??”