After a day and a half of a deep slumber, comforted by the heavy down in my blankets I arose from my cocoon this morning to lace up my running shoes and head out the front door. It was only on my run I reflected on the last month and a half.
The holidays took so much out of me, more than I was aware of at the time. I was like a helium balloon that kept taking in more air and more air so I could stay afloat and remain present throughout the holiday season. To me, the holidays are about family and tradition. This year the holidays were for my children, my husband, my husband’s family, my siblings and my parents. For this, I took in every breath to give myself the strength to make it through. It wasn’t until December 26th, I let the air slowly seep out, feeling deflated and empty under the covers of my bed. I hardly left the comfort of my bedroom and my book all day long.
I wanted today to be different. So I ran. Running isn’t about how fast I go or how far I travel. It’s not about running away from my problems or running into a smaller size pair of jeans. It’s about challenge, breathlessness and finding strength. It’s about harboring and drawing upon a sense of accomplishment throughout the rest of my day. I need things to feel proud of. Things that made me feel stronger after struggle. Today I walked on the hills I used to run. I had to silence the voices and preconceived expectations that accompanied me out the door.
Instead, I reflected on what I want for myself this next year.
Two things that fill me up when I’m empty and help heal what’s broken are running and writing. For this, I decided I will spend the next thirty days running and writing. Most days self-talk, self-doubt and self-sabotage keep me from moving forward. But when I resolve to fulfill a commitment or dream, I hardly ever let it go without accomplishment. So today, I resolve to fulfill my thirty day commitment….even if it’s a 10 minute run and 10 minute writing prompt. I will run and write to see if it moves me forward to what is waiting for me on the horizon.