Today on my run I considered what I want for myself this next year.  I feel as though there is something out there waiting for me on the horizon.  I cannot see it, but I will know what it is when I arrive.  It will never come for me if I stay idle in one place… waiting.

After a day and a half of a deep slumber, comforted by the heavy down in my blankets I arose from my cocoon this morning to lace up my running shoes and head out the front door.  It was only on my run I reflected on the last month and a half.

The holidays took so much out of me, more than I was aware of at the time.  I was like a helium balloon that kept taking in more air and more air so I could stay afloat and remain present throughout the holiday season.  To me, the holidays are about family and tradition.  This year the holidays were for my children, my husband, my husband’s family, my siblings and my parents.  For this, I took in every breath to give myself the strength to make it through.  It wasn’t until December 26th, I let the air slowly seep out, feeling deflated and empty under the covers of my bed.   I hardly left the comfort of my bedroom and my book all day long.

I wanted today to be different.  So I ran.  Running isn’t about how fast I go or how far I travel.  It’s not about running away from my problems or running into a smaller size pair of jeans.  It’s about challenge, breathlessness and finding strength. It’s about harboring and drawing upon a sense of accomplishment throughout the rest of my day.  I need things to feel proud of.  Things that made me feel stronger after struggle.  Today I walked on the hills I used to run.  I had to silence the voices and preconceived expectations that accompanied me out the door.  

Instead, I reflected on what I want for myself this next year. 

Two things that fill me up when I’m empty and help heal what’s broken are running and writing.  For this, I decided I will spend the next thirty days running and writing.  Most days self-talk, self-doubt and self-sabotage keep me from moving forward.  But when I resolve to fulfill a commitment or dream, I hardly ever let it go without accomplishment.  So today, I resolve to fulfill my thirty day commitment….even if it’s a 10 minute run and 10 minute writing prompt.  I will run and write to see if it moves me forward to what is waiting for me on the horizon.

I have an elderly neighbor who lost her husband shortly after my dad died.  In fact, I stood at Ray’s graveside on the one year anniversary my dad passed away.   After Ray’s funeral I sat in the car and cried. The emotions were still so raw from saying goodbye to my own father.

I was always closer to Ray than I had been to his wife, Joan.  He was the one who would stop by to chit chat on the way to the mailbox.  One day when I was on the ladder cleaning out the gutters he stopped by to tell me, “If I wasn’t spoken for, I’d marry you!” 

I was single and divorced.  I had to do all those things myself...gutters...yard.  One year at the beginning of spring I pulled out my lawn mower after having it tucked away in the shed all winter.  I yanked and yanked on that pull cord until finally it started up.  The lawn mower must have been tilted on its side at some point because the oil mixed in with the gas and this terrible white smoke was billowing into the air.   Being a single, working mother I didn’t have time to mess around.  I kept mowing, hoping the smoke would burn off.   After a few moments Joan came running out of her house and began yelling at me for polluting the air and killing the flowers.  I immediately turned off the mower, apologized and scurried inside. She was right, and I was embarrassed.  I hate having anyone upset with me.  From that moment on, I kept Joan at an arm’s length, afraid I would do something else to make her mad.

Her husband, Ray, always took the time to talk to all the neighbors, paying special attention to their passions whether it be cars, bikes, their children or sports.  He never talked about himself.  In fact, it wasn’t until his funeral I learned of the very elite medals he had received from his time in the service.

When he passed away, my heart ached for his wife, just as it ached for my own mother.  Two women who had lost their husbands after a long beautiful companionship.   Two women who had been adored and cared for in a way that could never be replaced.   Both Joan and my mother had husbands who were warm, friendly and beloved by all.    Sometimes the men’s bright light cast shadows on the unique and special sparkle of their wives. 

A few weeks after Ray died, my heart strings pulled me to Joan’s doorstep to check in.  I began doing this every so often to see if she wanted to talk or needed me to help run any errands.  Eventually Joan asked if I could drive her to a doctor’s appointment.  Every time since then when she asks for a ride she will graciously say “I know how busy you are.  If it doesn’t work, please don’t feel pressured.”  She is always so thankful when I pull her van into her driveway telling me how much she appreciates me helping her with her errands.

Over the last couple years, I’ve driven her to a few doctor’s appointments, blood transfusions and a hair appointment.  During our car rides we talk about family, grief, writing and what it was like for a divorced woman in the 1940’s.  

A few weeks ago when we pulled into her driveway I told her “Joan, just so you know, this is never an errand to me.  I love our time together.”   

At first it may have started as something I felt I needed to do to help someone in need.  It only took me a few car rides to realize we were giving equally to our relationship. 

Today as she walked to the mailbox with her cane in hand, she knocked on my door.  In her other free hand she held a gift bag.  Inside was a card and some of her favorite books.  These were books she had previously read to help with her own writing before arthritis took its toll.  My heart warmed as I read the inscription she wrote on the inside of the book cover.   I felt a swell of emotion and tears crest in the corners of my eyes.   Experience has told me time with loved ones does not last forever.  I am so grateful for our special time together. 

I feel blessed to have found a friend in Joan.

Nine months ago I was asked to write a statement in approximately 500 words to describe who I was.  Little did I know by writing these words I would ground myself in my value system.  Tough decisions become clearer when I reread this statement remind myself what is important.  Too often get lost in the things we do, we forget who we are.  

I encourage you to spend 20 minutes and write a statement about yourself.   You might like the person you see.   

Who I am today is undoubtedly different than who I was three years ago, and probably different than who I will be one year from now.  Cancer, grief and losing people you love will do that to you.  

I battle every morning when I wake up to shake that heavy weight and live my day with gratitude and purpose.  My purpose and what drives me is simple.  I want to lay my head down at night knowing I am proud of who I was and what I accomplished. I want to know I made a difference in people's lives through listening, laughter, advice, devotion, time or simply a smile.

I want to love what I do and feel fulfilled while I’m doing it.  I’ve always been someone who takes too much stock in what other people think, thus sidelining what I've felt in my heart. I am learning that in order to feel fulfilled and give more generously to those I love I need to be a stronger advocate for what is important to me.  I resist change, but know I need it to grow. I try not to pass judgment on people or situations too quickly. Chances are the story is much deeper than the book cover I just read. I am devoted to those I love and to those who reciprocate that devotion. I will not waste my time on empty friendships, work that does not make me happy or relationships that continuously take more than they give.  If something is not meeting my needs I will change it.  If there is something I want I will achieve it. 

I never have or ever will care how much money I have in my bank account as long as I have enough to provide for my family and enough to create opportunities for my children. I want to feel fulfilled by what I do, the relationships I have, the experiences I’ve lived and what I’ve learned along the way.   I value my faith, my husband, my kids, my family, my health, the sound of laughter and time above all else.

Life is shorter than we think.  I aim to live each day with purpose, presence and no regret.

If I were to ask you to tell me your most valuable asset what would you say??  Would you say your home or maybe your car?  Perhaps you would say something a little more sentimental like your wedding ring or photo albums. 

What if I told you your most valuable asset is your ability to earn an income?   Have you considered what you would do if you were in a car accident, diagnosed with cancer or hurt your back simply by taking out the trash??  How would you replace the income you bring home every month to provide for your family?

According to USA Today ‘Should You Consider Disability Insurance’ one in four people who are in their twenties today will need to collect disability by the age of 67.  One in four!!

Medical Insurance covers your medical costs.  Life Insurance takes care of your family if you were to pass away.  Long Term Care Insurance pays for your care (dressing, bathing, eating, transferring, etc.) should you become ill or injured.  Disability Insurance helps to replace your income if an illness or injury prevents you from working.   

Back trauma. Mental Illness.  Car Accident.  Cancer.  These are not things that happen to other people.  They are happening to people we love…to us.

If you think you have it covered by Social Security benefits or by your employee benefits you may be mistaken. 

According to Policy Basics: Social Security Disability Insurance the average disability distribution paid by Social Security in 2013 was $1,146 per month ($13,757 per year).  You will only qualify for Social Security  benefits if you have worked and paid enough over the years in Social Security taxes.

IF...if you have group disability benefits (benefits paid through your employer) they will typically not be enough to cover the loss of income if you are unable to work.  Most group plans will pay out 50-60% of your income AND they usually have a cap on the amount of money and the length of time you can receive benefits. 

Perhaps with Social Security and your group benefits you MIGHT have enough to cover a short term disability.  You may not if your illness or disability is long term. 

This may leave you with quite the shortage in replacing your income.   I will say it again….one in four of us will probably need some sort of disability coverage by the time we are 67.  Something to consider...the longer you wait to purchase insurance the older you become....thus the more expensive it will be.    Without sufficient coverage, what kind of hardship will your disability and inability to work place on your family?

The best place to start in determining if what you have is enough….calculate your monthly expenses.  What expenses are a fixed cost every month (required expenses)?  This gives you a baseline for determining what kind of coverage you need.  Compare that against what kind of benefits you currently have.  Take advantage of your human resource department to understand your employee benefits. 

Secondly, there are companies like Aflac who provide supplemental insurance should you determine you need it.   But...you need to apply before you become disabled.  Insurance companies will not insure you and pay you benefits after you have become disabled.  You need to do it now.

Lastly, if you need a recommendation for a financial advisor who can help you understand your benefits and help advise you to make educated decisions I know of many!! :)  (That is not why I’m writing this.  I’m not paid or endorsed by anyone….I just happen to have worked in the industry for many years.)

About 18 months ago I met a young lady who was recently widowed.  Her husband had suffered and passed away from pancreatic cancer a few months prior to meeting me.  She said one of the biggest blessings from the experience was the insurance policies her husband had purchased a few years before his diagnosis.  His disability insurance replaced his income when he had to stop working.  This allowed her the time to be with him during his final months.  Otherwise she would have been behind a desk, instead of by his side.  His Long Term Care insurance paid for the care he needed during those final months so she could be his wife and not his caregiver. 

Life is unimaginably difficult if you are disabled or suffering from an illness.  If you can, take financial hardship off the table.  Try to take some time right now to think about what it is you need to take care of yourself and your family if luck misses your doorstep.

Tomorrow is my parent’s anniversary. They would have been married 52 years.  I thought of this several times throughout the day, and I would begin to feel sad.  I would quickly distract myself with work, numbers and details. But at the end of my work day I walked out to my car, sat in the driver seat and cried. There were no longer any numbers or details to distract me, just my hands on the steering wheel. I cried all the way home.

As soon as I walked inside the house I quickly busied myself with household and family chores. My son is a junior in high school and it’s time to start planning.  I spent several hours scheduling college visits, SAT courses and his future. 

My husband once told me he thought I was a high functioning depressive. For weeks he would tell me I should talk to my doctor.   I would silently think "Of course I'm depressed. My mom just died, my daughter moved out and I still miss my dad."  But depressed enough to call a doctor and ask about therapy and medication???  I've seen the commercials. I'm nowhere near the state of curling up in a fetal position within a dark room and unable to function.  In fact, I'm more productive than the average person, grieving or not.

But then it finally clicked. I'm a high functioning depressive who uses life's distractions to stuff my feelings. Similar to someone who uses food, alcohol or drugs. I cannot slow down for one second or the feelings and sadness settle into that open space.

After finishing up with busy work at home I once again find myself in the quiet of my car. I’m waiting for my son to finish refereeing a basketball game. Within this metal cage, there are no tasks to distract me.  I cannot turn the radio up loud enough to drown my thoughts. The memories and sadness have found their way in, and I can feel the tears on their way out.

One day….December 2nd will make me happy. One day I will celebrate my parents who were high school sweethearts, married at 19 and built a wonderful life. One day I will celebrate they began their life with only $40 a week to live, but achieved amazing things with hard work and sacrifice. One day I will celebrate they were married 49 1/2 years before cancer separated them for a short time. One day I will celebrate my mom and dad are together again. But today, today I will feel sad and cry for what I've lost.