Jill:  We discussed how I put everything out on the blog.  Does it make you uncomfortable to know all this will be shared on the blog? 

Ryan:  No, it doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable.

Jill:  Well then, I better ask some tougher questions.

[Laughing]

Jill:  Is there anything I haven’t written on my blog you wish I would write about?

Ryan:  I think you should write more entries about going through the process of receiving your yoga teacher certification  and what yoga has meant for you.  Two things: what is it about yoga in itself that you find so invigorating and compelling?  What is it about teaching yoga you find interesting?

Jill:  Those are good questions.  Seriously.  I will do that.

Jill:  If you could have one talent what would it be?

Ryan:  I don’t know.  I think singing would be cool.  There was a time when I was playing the piano that I thought being able to sing and play the piano would be really cool.

Jill:  It’s one of my favorite things when you play the piano.  Seriously.  I wish you did it every day.  It’s my favorite.

Jill:  If you could have one superpower what would it be and why?

Ryan:  I think time travel or the ability to stop time would be pretty cool.   I think it would be neat to stop time and think of the perfect response or thing to say.

Jill:  What’s your favorite thing about me?

Ryan:  I have two favorite things.  One of them is your sense of humor.  You always know how to make me laugh. The second thing is your sense of nurturing.  I always feel, and I’m sure the kids feel this as well, that you will always be there for them.  You will always take care of them.  You will always have their best interest at heart.  There’s a sincerity to that I love.

Jill:  Thank you!! I have many favorite things about you.

[Ryan laughing]

Jill:  I love your sense of humor.  I think you are also very nurturing.  You care very very much.  When you care about someone you care about them very deeply and you go out of your way to take care of them.  You are a very generous person.  You are very smart.  You rarely, I used to say never, but now I say rarely, make me feel stupid.

[Ryan laughing]

Jill:  I love that you challenge me intellectually, spiritually and emotionally. 

Ryan:  I appreciate that about you as well.  I like the fact that we can have discussions about things.  There are things you’ve said that not only have made me think, but changed my opinions or caused me to reevaluate my beliefs and thoughts on certain topics.  I appreciate that a lot.  I think it is rare to find someone who you just enjoy talking to.

Jill:  As you were talking it made me think of another thing I appreciate.  You are not stubborn.  If I say something you hadn’t considered you will say “oh yeah, that’s a good point”, versus sticking with whatever opinion you walked into the room with.

Jill:  If there is one thing you could change about me, what would it be?

[Laughing]

Ryan:  Other than your flatulence???
​
Jill:  I knew that was going to come up.  Dang it.

[Laughing]

Jill:  You don’t have to answer the question if you don’t want to.

Ryan:  I would change your belief in yourself.  I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. I think you have a tendency to discount your own abilities and your talents.  You are far far more capable and smart than I think you give yourself credit for.

Jill:  That’s really nice of you to say.

Jill:  I just have two more questions.  This one’s a really tough one.  Are you ready?

Ryan:  Yes.

Jill:  If the house was burning down and you could only rescue one of us, between Milo and I, who would you rescue?

[Ryan is laughing uncomfortably.]

[Still laughing]

Jill:  The fact you can’t even answer this is a little bit alarming.

[Both laughing]

Ryan:  I would, of course, rescue you if the two of you were equally incapacitated.

Jill:  This has nothing to do with my last question.  If Milo could talk, which we both know he does, what would he say to you?

Ryan:  I hope he would say that he loves me.  He would also probably say he wants a friend.
​
Jill:  Yes, yes he does love you and want a friend. 

​Jill:  He’s just upset right now because you said you wouldn’t rescue him if the house is burning down.

[Both laughing]


This was the conclusion of the interview.  However, halfway through my questions Ryan and I discussed his experience as being the spouse of someone grieving.  It was a powerful section of the interview and deserved it's own special blog.  Stay tuned...

My kids and my husband were great sports.  They allowed me ask any question, record our conversations and then share the answers on my blog.  At the start of each interview I requested they answer honestly, but I also told them I would remove any answer they didn't want me to share. There wasn't one answer they asked me to not include.  

Thank you to my family for being willing participants.  You all are my greatest treasures and I am truly blessed.

Jill:  (Aside from making Ryan a dog lover)… What other ways have I changed you?

Ryan:  Ummm…

Jill:  Good ways!!!

[Laughing]

Ryan:  Good ways?  Well, you’ve really made me appreciate a full refrigerator.

[Laughing]

I feel more healthy and active.  I was somewhat active before we started dating, but since then I’ve definitely taken on a much more active lifestyle.

[There was a long pause…but the second answer was really good when it finally arrived.]

Ryan:  I think philosophically you’ve changed the way in which I view my own life and the way I gauge my own happiness.  You’ve encouraged me through your example to be more contemplative, to think about things on a pretty deep level in terms of what does success, what does happiness, what do achievements mean and how do relationships factor into those things. 

I would have been a very different person as to the way in which I pursued my job and gauged my own success or failure.  I think you’ve given me a much healthier outlook in which I judge myself. 

You know, I’ve always struggled with always trying to be a perfectionist and I think that because you are so imperfect…

[Jill cracking up]

Jill:  Keep talking….my imperfections and your perfections…

[Both laughing]

Ryan:  No seriously…it’s helped me be a more grounded person, someone who I like more than I may have turned out to be.

Jill:  Ahhh…That’s so nice.

Jill:  People often say opposites attract.  From face value some might say we seem like opposites.  Such as, in social situations I can be more gregarious and you can be pretty quiet.  The reality is, I don’t think we are opposite at all.  I think we actually share a lot of similar traits.

Ryan:  I think we both tend to be people pleasers.  While our reactions to groups of people and crowds can be different I think at the same time we both enjoy and prefer smaller and more intimate groups, rather than larger settings of people.

Jill:  What other personality traits do we have that are similar?

Ryan:  I think we both find the same things funny.  Definitely sense of humor.

Jill:  How are we different from one another? 

[Pause]
 
Jill:  Ooh...I know one.  You hold your cards pretty close to your chest.  Right?  You will be pretty open when you know someone, versus I put everything out there on the blog, and I will share openly with someone in the lunch room.

Ryan:  What’s funny though? You say that, and superficially I think that’s generally true.  You will be more apt to share things and talk through things.  I still feel like there are still things you hold very close to your heart that you wouldn’t necessarily share with just anyone.

You will share things more quickly and to a certain point, but I don’t think you completely reveal yourself diametrically opposed to me who shows nobody anything.

Jill:  Aside from me, the kids and Milo, tell me about your other favorite things.

Ryan:  I love running.  There is something about running that is rejuvenating for me.  There are many times I don’t feel like running.  It’s raining outside, or its cold, or I’m tired or it’s been a long day at work, but then I feel 10x better after I go for a run.  My head feels clear.  I feel energized.  I get so much from running.  It is an important part of who I am. 

Jill:  On average, how many miles per week do you run?

Ryan:  A big week will be 70+ miles and then an off week will be 45-50 miles.

Jill:  Me too!!

[Ryan laughing]

Ryan:  Is that commuting??

Jill:  Yes, in my car.

​As part of the interview series with my loved ones, I finished by sitting down with my husband.  This was a more difficult interview for me, because I wasn't sure what I wanted to ask.  

Ryan and I talk all the time, so what in the world could I ask him that I didn't already know the answer to?

Somehow I found new questions to ask and Ryan shared new information, like his first impression of me.  Heartwarming??  Yeah right.  

Ryan shared quite openly what it was like to date a single mom and his relationship with Austin and Ryanne today.  He also shared the challenges of being the  spouse of someone who's struggling with grief.   

Ryan's a great man who can be a little more on the private side, so it is my pleasure to share a glimpse of the Ryan I am blessed to know and love.


Jill:  You read my blogs, right?

Ryan:  Yes.

Jill:  What blogs have been your favorite?

Ryan:  I like anytime you talk about your feelings and issues you are facing, whether that’s dealing with grief, with Ryanne or Austin or any of these other challenges.  It seems like you use your blog as a means by which you talk through your feelings.  I also liked your blog when you had your tribute to Kimmy for her birthday.

Jill:  So honey, our anniversary is coming up.  How many years will it be?

Ryan:  It will be our third official anniversary.   Austin was six or seven on our first official date, so I think it’s been eleven or twelve years we’ve been together. 

Jill:  I think it’s been eleven years.

Ryan:  So yes, eleven years.

Jill:  Do you remember when we first met?

Ryan:  I do.

Jill:  When did we first meet?

Ryan:  When you interviewed me in Jeff’s Bellevue office in the front conference room.

Jill:  What did you think of me when we first met?

Ryan:  I don’t really remember having an impression of you, per se.

[Jill laughing]

Jill:  That’s not very nice.  You didn’t think I was awesome?

Ryan:  I thought you were perfectly nice. 

Jill:  While we were in that interview did you think we’d be married one day?

Ryan:  Heck no!

Jill:  So what if I had asked you in the interview, “Do you like kids?  Do you like dogs?” what would you have said?

Ryan:  This is the weirdest interview I’ve ever been on.

Jill:  It was several years of working together before we even started to think of dating.

Ryan:  Yeah, absolutely.  I knew you as one of my major client’s sisters.  I wasn’t thinking of you as potential dating material.

Jill:  So why did it take you so long to commit to being with me?

Ryan:  That’s a good question.  It wasn’t that I was reluctant, I was hesitant.  I knew that I couldn’t casually date you.  I knew that you had kids.  You had an established life. 

We were at different points in our life.   You had been married.  You had kids.  I was single.  I wasn’t thinking immediately about children.  My apprehension stemmed from, here’s this woman with this life who’s going along on this particular path, and I wasn’t exactly sure how I would mesh into that lifestyle and path.  None of this had to do with you or the impressions you gave me.  It was more me working through my own issues of what it would mean to have a serious relationship with a single mom.

Jill:  But I reeled you in.

Ryan:  Yeah you did.

Jill:  I put my hooks in you.

Ryan:  Yes, your wireless kept mysteriously breaking.

[Laughing]

Jill:  Yeah, that was pretty mischievous. 

Jill:  We heard from the kids how they experienced the divorce, but what was your experience dating a single mom with two young kids?

Ryan:  A few things.  Number one, like I said, I wasn’t exactly sure how I would be able to fit into a preexisting family.  You and the kids were this familial unit already. 

Then, of course, you hear of difficulties with divorced families and splitting time between the parents and how all that works out.  Trying to determine what’s best for the kids, where your priorities would be with your relationship with me, your relationship with the kids, relationships with the exes; those were all big question marks in my mind.  I didn’t have any idea how those things would work themselves out.  I really didn’t.

Jill:  How is your relationship with the kids today? 

Ryan:  For a long time when you and I first started dating I saw the kids as little extensions of you.  They were this different aspect of you.  I didn’t really see them as individuals.  I saw them as offshoots of you.  They were Jill’s kids who did this, or Jill’s kids who did that.

That changed and it has continued to change as the kids have developed really unique and distinct personalities.  I couldn’t love them any more than I do.  I’m so proud of the things they’ve been able to accomplish.  I’m REALLY excited for Austin to go to college and have all those experiences.  I’m super excited for Ryanne and her adventures with all of her skills with singing and acting.  Each of them has so much talent.  It’s really really fun to watch them blossom and grow.  That’s not necessarily changed my love, but it’s definitely added richness to my relationship with them.   

Jill:  I was hesitant and unsure how you would fit in as well.

Ryan:  Sure.

Jill:  But you have far exceeded any expectations I had for you to be their dad.  I couldn’t be happier with what kind of father you are to them.
​
Ryan:  Ahh…that’s nice of you to say.

Jill:  Did you ever imagine loving a dog as much as you love Milo?

Ryan:  That one I can easily say ‘no’.  I’ve always liked animals but I never really thought of myself as a dog person.  

Jill:  You don’t just love Milo; you love dogs. 

Ryan:  Yes.

Jill:  Tell me about your favorite charity and why they are important to you.

Ryan:  I don’t remember how I found out about Old Dog Haven.  It might have been a random Facebook post, but the more I found out about them the more I appreciated what they do.

Old Dog Haven is a charity that supports elderly dogs, dogs who may, for whatever reason, come to a shelter and might not be adoptable because of their age or have significant medical issues that require costly surgeries.  There’s any number of reasons these dogs wind up where they do.  Old Dog Haven takes these dogs out of shelters, sets them up with foster and final refuge homes.  The homes work with Old Dog Haven and are experienced to help the elderly dogs and dogs who require special care. 

Old Dog Haven will cover all medical fees which run upwards of $40,000-$50,000 per month.  They cover this either through donations or donated time from veterinarians.  Yeah, Old Dog Haven is my favorite charity and I have a huge soft spot for them.

Jill:  Me too.  I love that these dogs get to spend their final days in a loving home versus on a cold cement floor.

Ryan:  Sometimes their stay isn’t that long.  These are elderly dogs and sometimes they are only in a final refuge home for a few weeks or even a few days.  They do get to be in a home full of love and warmth with someone who loves and cares for them.

Jill:  That is one of the ways in which you’ve changed since we started dating.  I’ve made you a dog lover.

[Laughing]

Ryan:  Yes, yes you have.

My relationship with the scale has been as damaged as any relationship can be.  I’ve hated that lying bitch (excuse my profanity) since elementary school when she first made me feel like crap.

Let’s face it, we step on her and she doesn’t always reflect our hard work or discount the fact it might be that time of the month.  She leaves us either feeling victorious and on top of the world, or so depressed we look for the nearest bakery to sooth our broken spirits.

I exercise.  I’m active.  I eat healthy 80% of the time.  Yet, I’ve avoided the scale like the plague, until this weekend.  I had to visit Urgent Care for a back injury I endured on Friday.  First thing they had me do was step on the scale.  What the?!?!  Why?!?!

But I did.  I can’t say I was shocked to see what the scale said, but if I’m being honest I was a little bummed.  I’ve relied on how I feel from the inside out.  I still prioritize that over everything else, but removing the hard, black and white numbers has allowed me to slip a little further than where I really want to be.

Many moons ago I decided rather than let her dictate how I feel about myself I removed her toxicity from my life.  I’ve looked to other things to give me a barometer for my physical health, like my clothes.  So many of us say…”I just go by how my clothes feel.”  Yeah girl, me too!!  But the crappy and at the same time glorious thing is, stretchy jeans and leggings have about 15 pounds of flexibility in them.
​    
The number on the scale looks different on all body types.  I’ve tried to let go of any preconceived notions what I should weigh.  These women are a great example.   They all weigh roughly 155 pounds and yet they look entirely different from one another.

I’ve learned to look at myself in the mirror and focus on the things I love about my body and disregard the things I don’t.  This is incredibly victorious in my book and I still will continue to do this.  But, truth be told, I’ve ignored some of the subtle signs that my weight was slightly creeping away from me.

I went to the hair dresser a few weeks ago and said to her, “I hate my hair!!”  She asked me what I hated about it.  I told her I hated how round it was making my face look.  Buah ha ha ha!!  My hair wasn’t making my face round, the extra LB’s were.

So where do we go from here? 

Do we weigh ourselves every day?  Do we weigh ourselves weekly?  Do we never weigh ourselves and just go by how everything else feels?

I think it depends. I think if we can honestly gage our physical health by other measures and want to avoid the scale at all costs.  Yeah!   Go for it!   If some of us need  to weigh in every day to stay on track.  Then have at it! 

For me???  I think I need to be accountable once a week.  Perhaps if I had been weighing in weekly I’d know there was something wrong with my thyroid, and I could have tackled it a little earlier.  I’d also be forced to admit my sugar addiction needed a little intervention.

Our weight does not define our health.  Our weight does not define our strength.  Our weight does not define our beauty. I believe these truths above all else and I hope women everywhere will also believe this too be true.
​
For me, I do need the scale to keep me a little more honest.  Just like I’ve learned to change the way I look at myself in the mirror, and I’ve learned to change my relationship with food, I will learn to change my relationship with 'just the messenger' who doesn't always tell the whole truth, but usually has good intentions.

Mom: What are some of your favorite memories growing up?

Austin: My favorite memory is going to Lake Chelan or snow skiing. I love family gatherings for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Those are always my favorite.   I love  catching up and having great laughs.  It’s my favorite thing to have funny conversations and we all start belly laughing.  Lake Chelan is probably my favorite. It’s my favorite place in the whole world and I would live there if I could.

Mom: How does your first home run or your first touchdown rank?
​
Austin: It’s good, but it’s not overly inspiring.  It didn’t make want me to be a NFL or MBA star or anything.

Mom: Do you remember how it felt to get your first home run?

Austin: It was amazing!!  I didn’t think I could hit the ball that far.  I was doubting myself and then I did it!
 I remember getting a phone call from my uncle Jeff and he said “A ROCK!!!”

Mom: How does your trip to Europe rank in your memories?

Austin: That’s got to be near the top.  That’s when my turnaround happened with all my social issues.  I got out of my comfort zone.  I met people and I had so much fun with them.  It felt like we were best friends on that trip.  Not only were the people amazing, I got to see stuff I just read about in text books.

Mom: Where did you go?

Austin: Italy and Greece.  In Italy we went to Rome.  Rome was really fun.  My favorite was going to the Colosseum or the Sistine Chapel.  I don’t know what it is, but seeing something ancient is fascinating.  Reading about it in text books is boring, but seeing it for yourself is crazy.  I never thought I would get to go there in my whole life.  I’m incredibly grateful.

Austin: We also went to Greece.  Greece was my favorite part of the trip.  Italy has more history, but Greece was amazing.  Everything was foreign.  Food was different.  I hated the toilets there. I don’t want to go into full detail, but the toilets were disgusting. 

Austin: We first stopped in Delphi where the Oracle is in Greece.  That was my favorite part of the trip.  The whole town is on a hillside.  The people in Delphi and even in Athens were so nice, even to foreigners.  The people were so happy.  I don’t feel like you see that very many places.    I mean, it’s a country that is in turmoil financially and yet they are so happy.

Mom:  I just have a few more questions.

Austin:  Okay.

Mom: Pizza or burgers?

Austin: Burgers, any day.

Mom: Ice cream or cookies?

Austin: Ice cream.

Mom: If you had to lay in a pit of snakes or pit of spiders what would you choose?

Austin: Ooh…that’s a hard one.….I’m not too fearful of spiders.  I don’t know if I like snakes too much, but I’d probably pick snakes.  I’m not scared of one spider, but a thousand of them.  I’d probably poop my pants.

Mom: You have to choose one of these options.  Would you rather have your mom sing the national anthem at your school assembly or perform a dance I’ve choreographed?

[head in hands…rubbing temples]

Austin: I’d rather have you sing. 

Mom: Does this make you feel incredibly uncomfortable to think about.

Austin: It kind of does, but I’d rather have you sing.

Mom: If you could have one super power what would it be and why?

Austin: Time travel.  Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to change something I said, because I feel like a dumb ass for saying it.

[Mom laughing...knows full well how that feels.)

Austin: Or I’d like to go back in time to better prepare myself for something I've done.  Or maybe go into the future and see what I’m like, but that kind of scares me.

Mom: I’d go back in time and spend more time with you as little kids.  I’d relive those moments over and over again, except for maybe some of those tantrums you threw.

Mom: What is important to you in life?

Austin: Being happy and finding people I appreciate and love. I could care less if I’m popular around school or anywhere else.  I just want to spend time with people who like me for who I am and think I’m funny. 

Mom: That’s important, really important.  I’m so glad you said that.  Having a good group of friends and people whom you love is what's most important.

Austin: I could care less about being the richest man in the world or the most famous man in the world, I just want to be with people who I love and who love me.

Mom: These leads me to my next question.  How do you define success?

Austin: How happy you are.

Mom: How do you define happiness?  What makes you feel happy?

Austin: Something that makes you feel warm inside.  Doing work you love. 

Mom: If Grandpa were here right now what would he say to you?

[Austin smiling]

Austin: He’d say, “TURN THAT DAMN TV OFF!!!”

[cracking up]

Mom: Yeah, he would say that.

Austin: He’d also say, “Good man!  Good man!”  He’d say that all the time.

Austin: I miss grandma and grandpa. I want to be just like them.  I want to be just as happy as they were.  I mean, they didn’t care how much money they had.  The worked their tails off, but they loved being with the family and doing family activities.  They loved camping at Lake Chelan State Park.  That’s not luxurious at all, but I would absolutely love to do something like that because you get to hang out with your family.

Austin: They just cared about making other people happy and being happy themselves.

Mom: What else do you think Grandpa would say to you?  Do you think he’d say he’s proud of you?

Austin: I think he’d say he was happy with me, happy I have a great group of friends and happy I'm going to college.

Mom: How did I get so lucky to have a son like you?

Austin: You take the time to make us happy.  You care about us more than yourself.

Mom: That’s it for my questions.  Is there anything else you want to talk about?

Austin: Through the seriousness, the tears, the crying and laughing, sadness and happiness, I’d just like to say thank you for interviewing me.  Thank you for being such a great mother.  You asking me these questions shows you really care about what I have to say.

Mom: I do!!!  I care very much!!  Thank you Austin.   I love you! Thank you for saying that.

Austin: Thank you for asking.


 Austin....these videos are my gift to you!!!

My son has the kindest heart and usually prioritizes the feelings of others over his own.  When a kid like that experiences the divorce of his parents, it can  be a pivotal and painful experience.  I'm so grateful Austin was brave enough to be open and honest how the divorce impacted his social interactions with his peers and his sense of self.

Mom: Austin, who is your source of inspiration… a celebrity, singer, an athlete or someone in your everyday life?

Austin: I think you are one of the biggest inspirations in my life.  When I say that, I think about my freshman, sophomore and junior year.  You guys were kicking my butt about school work.  You actually made me believe that college is super important.  I view you guys as more inspiring than anybody else, not just because you are my parents, but you just gave me a reason to go out there and try hard.

Mom: That’s nice Austin.  Thank you.  That means a lot.

Austin: You’re welcome.

Mom: I asked Ryanne a few of these questions as well.  Ryanne and I talked about her perspective on having divorced parents.  What is your perspective?  What’s been good and what’s difficult?

Austin: Before I say anything, I absolutely love the life I have right now.  I love Ryan.  I love Melissa.  I love you and dad, but I’m going to be honest.  It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my entire life.   It was the absolute HARDEST thing. 

I remember after you guys split up I was pretty sad…

[Austin sees me crying ….]

Austin: I don’t want you to feel bad that you guys got divorced….

Mom: You know what Austin, no, tell me the truth.  Anything you are feeling I want to understand and I do feel bad for you.  You don’t have to hold back.  I want to know.  That is why I asked the question.

Austin: I am just being honest how I felt.  It was the absolute hardest thing I’ve been through in my life.  I was so used to you and dad being together.  After the divorce happened I felt like I had social issues and internal issues until the beginning of high school.

I remember I had trouble falling asleep at night. I didn’t know what was wrong at the time, but I know now that it was tied to the divorce. It was hard sleeping at two different houses, trying to fall asleep at two different houses and finding my sense of comfort.

With middle school and with social issues, I felt like I didn’t know how to approach people as well as other kids did.  I don’t know if this is something other kids go through, but I tried to do anything to make other kids like me, by the way I talked or what I did.  Some things I’m not proud of and some things I am.

I feel like now, junior year and senior year, I’ve been a lot happier, because I don’t worry about my social issues.  I just try to be who I am.  I’m proud of who I am and how I look.  Sometimes I think ‘hmmm….I could lose a little weight’ but… [laughs]

But I’m proud of who I am and what I do.  I’m proud of and happy with the people I have around me.

Mom: You should be very proud of who you are!!

Mom:  If I had to guess, I think most middle school kids feel very similar to how you felt.  They are not sure how they fit in, they are not comfortable how to socialize.  They are not sure how to be true to themselves.  I think if you went to the middle school today and asked kids to answer honestly, they would say this is true.  I think this is why people look back at middle school and realize it was a very difficult time.

What I’m wondering though, did having divorced parents added an extra layer of insecurity?

Austin: Yeah, I kind of feel like that.

Austin: I felt like I was constantly in the middle between you and dad.  I had to please one side more than the other.   Constantly back and forth and it made me sad sometimes.  It’s still happens now, but I don’t really care. It’s like, this side and this side need to handle it themselves.  It’s not my deal.  I’m just learning to ignore it and let everyone handle it themselves.

Austin: I’d just like to say and be honest that even with the divorce, I’m happy now, and I love both sides of the family. But...I just don’t ever want my own kids in the future to ever go through that.   That was really, really hard.

Mom: I’m sorry Austin.

Austin: You don’t need to say sorry.

Mom: Well, I mean…. [can’t talk…crying]

Mom: It’s one of the biggest sources of guilt I have that you and Ryanne have divorced parents. Um, I feel really bad.  It hurts me to know that it hurt you a lot.  I also am sorry that you felt like you were in the middle.  I think we tried not to, but we didn’t do a very good job.  I’m really sorry for that.  I’m sorry you had divorced parents.

[Austin gives me a hug…]

Mom: Thank you for telling me the truth.   What you shared were the hard things.  Was there any good?

Austin: Oh definitely!!  Besides the two Christmases, that’s always a plus…

[Mom laughing...thinking the answer sounds similar to his sister's.]

Austin: It’s always good adding onto the family.  Instead of just having two families, now we have four.  I’m incredibly lucky I got to know Ryan and Melissa.  They are both great people.  I couldn’t be happier with anybody else.  I mean, we could have had shitty step parents that treat us like crap, like what you see in the movies, but they don’t.  I know for a fact, they love Ryanne and I.  They do everything possible to make sure we are successful.  That shows me they are true parents!  Ryan could be my biological father and Melissa could be my biological mother.  They do great things for us!

Mom: If you had to give advice to teens whose parents are divorced or to the parents who are divorced do you have any advice?
​
Austin: Don’t feel like you need to be in the middle between the two sides.  Don’t feel like you need to appease both sides.  The parents need to talk to one another and not treat the kids like the messenger.  Oh, and love both sides.

​To be continued.....

Mom: Have you read my blog in which I interviewed Ryanne?

Austin: I have not.

Mom: Do you ever read my blogs?

Austin: I read a few.

Mom: On a scale of one to ten, how much do you share with your mom, ten being everything and one being nothing?

Austin: I have to say a nine.

Mom: A nine???

Austin: I absolutely love talking to you about my life.  I mean, there are some things I know I really shouldn’t share. 

[both laughing]

Mom: That’s pretty awesome.  I feel like you tell me a lot.

Mom: In your opinion, where do you think most eighteen year old boys fall?

Austin: Nowhere near a nine.  Most probably fall around a six…or maybe a five.

Mom: How much of the time do eighteen year old boys think about girls?  50% of the time? 
​
[Austin scoffed]

Mom: More than 50% of the time?

Austin: Like 80 to 85% of the time.

Mom: If you had to describe what it’s like to be an eighteen year old boy how would you describe it?

Austin: A LOT of fun, but then stressful.

Mom: What’s stressful?

Austin: High school is not stressful at all, but there’s college and learning new responsibilities.  That’s absolutely stressful.   I know there are some things I definitely need to learn, some things I’m having trouble learning, and things I can learn over time.   It’s stressful looking ahead at colleges and looking at scholarships.   Also, saying goodbye to all your friends and trying to get all those last minutes, hours, days and months with them.  Being an eighteen year old is stressful, but it’s also a lot of fun. 

Mom: What’s fun about being an eighteen year old boy and a senior in high school?

Austin: Hanging out with friends.  Not having to worry about the academics of high school too much.  The year is almost over.  You get to spend time with friends and get to look at colleges.
 
Mom: So Austin….you have college next year.  Are you excited?

Austin: Oh definitely.

Mom: Are you nervous?

Austin: Hmmm…I’m more nervous for the educational aspect, learning in a new environment with professors and in rooms with hundreds of other students.  I’m not really nervous to meet new people.  I feel like I’ve been better about that, getting out of my comfort zone.

I’m a little nervous to be away from home, but excited at the same time.  It will be a really cool experience.

Mom: What I’ve heard about your current high school, is they have prepared you pretty well for the college academics.  What might be challenging, though, is accepting that your professors won’t’ check in.  It will be up to you to know what you need to do, when it needs to be completed by and then do it.

Mom:  How prepared do you feel as an adult for the ‘real world’?

Austin: Hmmm….well, I don’t know if I’m fully prepared yet.  I do have a grasp for some things that are vital for surviving in the world.  I can get food for myself.  I can drive myself places.  I know how to navigate.  I’ve never taken the bus, but I think I could figure it out.

I do my laundry.  I know how to clean, not my room, but….

[Mom laughs]

Mom: So will your room at college be as messy as it is here?

Austin: No. I don’t want it to be.  I don’t want my roommate to experience that.

In regards to financial stuff and learning how to spend money, pay bills and filling out paperwork, I haven’t figured that stuff out.  All in all I would say I’m not 100% prepared.

Mom: Yeah, but I think even as a 40 year old adult there’s always stuff I still have to learn.  I think one of the most important lessons you will need to learn when you are own your own, is to feel comfortable asking for help, no matter what it is.  Whether it’s homework, whether it’s how to do something or find something; you need to be comfortable asking for help.  Even with your parents telling them, “I need your help learning how to do this.”  You have to feel comfortable asking for help. 

Mom: The other thing that will be important for you in becoming an adult is learning how to prioritize, knowing what’s important and getting it done.  You have to be able to say ‘no’ to the things you really want to do in order to get done what NEEDS to be done.

Mom: When you go to college do you know how you will stay on task and prioritize?

Austin: Hmmmm… I think so.

[Response did not exude confidence.]  :)

Austin: I know college is a huge thing, getting that degree.   I believe that I will buckle down and take things more seriously than I’ve taken academics my senior year.  I feel like I haven’t taken my school work as seriously my senior year as I did my junior and sophomore year.

Mom: I feel like in comparison with many eighteen year olds you are pretty prepared.  You are ready.  I also think, though, there’s some senioritis that’s coming into play.  You want to have fun with your friends, and you still want to be a little irresponsible.  Overall, I think you are pretty prepared.

Mom: Will you be upset if we give Milo your bedroom when you go to college?

Austin: No, as long as you kick him out when I come home.

Mom: Will you miss me when you go to college?

Austin: Definitely.  I love seeing you every day and talking with you, even when you are mad at me.  You are just a reminder that I have people who love and care for me and really want me to be successful.

Mom: I will sure miss you. 

[big fat tears]

​To be continued.......

In part one of the interview with my daughter I found out what it feels like to be a sixteen year old girl.  In the second part I learned how my sixteen year old girl copes with her emotions.  I also finally talked to her about what it feels like to have divorced parents.

Mom:   If you are feeling bummed out or want to feel happy what do you do to make yourself feel better?  What makes you feel happy?

Ryanne:   It used to be food, which is terrible, I know.  But I know many girls can relate.  Now it’s more music and writing. If I’m feeling sad then I put on a sad song and I just let it all out.  Then I put on some Tupac from there on out. 

Mom:   Ryanne, that is interesting.  You used to not want to feel emotions or feel sad.  Do you find yourself a little bit more able to feel sad when you want to feel sad and let it go or do you still try to hold it all in?

Ryanne:   It’s 50/50.  It depends on what it is.  Um…normally, if it’s something I’m not really comfortable talking about I will ask not to talk about it and then let it out, cry about it, when I’m by myself.   Then, I will come and talk to someone about it.

It’s like wearing an itchy wool turtleneck sweater.  The emotions would be the turtleneck sweater, obviously, because they are hideous.  It’s like when you don’t want to feel something you are engulfed in this uncomfortable sweater and you can’t get it off.  You want to let go, but you are afraid to.  You are constantly reminded how itchy and uncomfortable it is.  Then when you finally get the sweater off, you think ‘yeah…that sucked….but it’s finally off.’  It’s done with.  That’s how it feels for me.

Mom:   Ryanne, your parents are divorced.  I know it hasn’t always been easy.  Is there anything good about having divorced parents?

Ryanne:   Christmas and birthdays.  Seriously though, you get the feeling of having a big family.  With two extra parents you get twice the amount of love and twice the amount of support.  You also get your own space.  Sometimes it’s nice to be smothered and sometimes it’s nice to feel like you can be on your own.  

Mom:   Ryanne, I have to ask you a question I've always assumed I knew the answer to, but I want to ask you to be sure.  You can answer honestly, and you won't hurt my feelings.  Why did you move in with dad?

Ryanne:   Because I felt like I never got to see him, and I wanted to see more of my little sister.

Mom:   What’s been tough about having divorced parents?

Ryanne:   Feeling like I’m constantly stuck in the middle, like when they try to arrange plans or an issue comes up.  Instead of talking to one another it gets put on us.  It’s suffocating almost.

Mom:   That must be hard.  I’m sorry you feel like that.  I’m sorry we sometimes do that to you.

Ryanne:   It’s okay.

Mom:   If you had to offer advice to other teens whose parents are divorced or going through a divorce, what would you say?

Ryanne:   Don’t resent them.  Just know that it will probably make them happier to not be together.  Don’t force it.  Just let it happen.  Whatever it ends up being is kind of what you have to live with.   It’s not as bad as it seems.  It is hard at first.

Mom:   Would you recommend talking to their parents when they are feeling certain things?  

Ryanne:   Yes.  It’s better to be more open.  Don’t feel like you need to hide things, just because they have things they are trying to work through.  Be open about how you feel and then they can take it all into consideration.   It makes it a little easier when you are more open about how you feel about everything.

Mom:   So would you recommend therapy or talking to their school counselor? 

Ryanne:   Ohhh yeah!  Big time.

Mom:   If you had advice to give to parents who are divorced what would you say?

Ryanne:   It’s not your fault it didn’t work out.  Don’t put your kids in the middle.  Your kids will resent you for it.   Include them, but don’t include them.

Mom:   Well, I always feel bad.  It’s the biggest source of guilt I have in my life that you and Austin have divorced parents.

Ryanne:   At least we know you guys are happier with someone else than together.  It doesn’t feel like we are a burden, because we don’t have to feel like you are only together because of us.  That’s a good feeling.

Mom:   Do you love your mom even though she’s screwed up a thousand times?

Ryanne:   Screwed up?

Mom:   Yeah…I’ve made tons of mistakes.  Do you love me anyways?

Ryanne:   Ummmmm  [pause then laughs]  Of course.  You are my emotions coach. 

Mom:   I’m your emotions coach?

Ryanne:   Do you remember that?  [laughing]

Mom:   Yes, I remember.

Mom:   If you could have one magical power what would it be?

Ryanne:   Shape shifting.  I could shape shift into anybody else who has a power that I wanted.  I could make myself small, so when there was a zombie apocalypse I could hide in a mailbox.  I could eat a saltine cracker when I’m big, and then when I became small again I would be full for weeks.  I’ve thought this through. I have it all planned man.

Mom:   If you had to lay in a pit of snakes or pit of spiders what would you choose?

Ryanne:   I have a question for you.  Are you Satan?

Mom:   [Laughing] What would you choose?

Ryanne:   Spiders.

Mom:   I have another one.  If you had to kiss your Uncle Jeff’s toes or lick the toilet seat in a porta potty what would you choose?

Ryanne:   Top side or underneath?

Mom:   Either.

Ryanne:   I’d have to lick my Uncle Jeff’s toes.  This is probably the only time I’d ever say that. 

Mom:   Pizza or burgers?

Ryanne:   Burgers.

Mom:   Ice cream or cookies?

Ryanne:   Ice cream.

Mom:   Your mom’s rosemary chicken or moldy cheese?

Ryanne:   [Laughing]  Oooh…if you asked me that a couple years ago I’d have to say moldy cheese, but today I’d say rosemary chicken.

Mom:   Teen Wolf or American Horror Story?

Ryanne:   It’s like you are tearing me apart here.  My two favorite shows.  American Horry Story, because it has a little more gore.

Mom:   If you had to tell the world the best things about yourself what would you say???
[Wayyyyy too long of a pause]

Ryanne:   Don’t worry my room is underneath this pile of dirt.

Mom:   That’s not the best thing about yourself!!!!

Ryanne:   I don’t know.

Mom:   Sure you do.

Ryanne:   I’m considerate.

Mom:   You are very considerate.

[Long pause]

Ryanne:   I’m humble.  I don’t know…..

Mom:   Ryanne!!! You’re talented.  You’re beautiful. 

Ryanne:   I’m really good with makeup

Mom:   You are really good with makeup.  You’re smart.

Ryanne:   I’m a really good listener.

Mom:   You are a good listener.   You’re strong. Right?

Ryanne:   Yeah.

Mom:   I’m sure as a sixteen year old girl you don’t always feel like you’re strong, but you are very strong.  You stick up for things you believe in. 

You’re an amazing cousin.  You’re a good sister.  A good daughter.

Ryanne:   I'm a great bum.  I would make THE BEST hobo.
[Cracking up!!!}
​
Mom:   Alright…that’s a wrap.
 
We did forget, my dear Ryanne, you have an AMAZING sense of humor and you are the most courageous person I know. 
​
Love you!!!  Thank you for being a good sport.    

Sometimes as parents or spouses we think we know most things about our loved ones, so we never think to ask important questions. Recently, I sat down with my daughter and asked her a series of things I've wanted to know. I learned about how it feels to be a sixteen year old girl, what it feels like to have divorced parents and the one thing that would be worse than kissing her Uncle Jeff's toes. I hope you enjoy Part 1 of my interview with my intelligent, talented and beautiful daughter.


Mom: How old are you?
Ryanne: Sixteen

Mom: What grade are you in school?
Ryanne: Tenth

Mom: What’s your favorite subject?
Ryanne: That’s easy. Choir.

Mom: When you perform whether it be singing or in the theatre, how does it make you feel?
Ryanne: Limitless. Like nothing can touch me. I feel like I’m flying. On cloud nine.

Mom: What has been your favorite role you’ve played in the theatre?
Ryanne: Wendy in Peter Pan.

Mom: Why was that your favorite?
Ryanne: One, I was lead. That was fun. Two, I was able to interact with everyone on stage. When you are ensemble, you primarily interact with ensemble. Ensemble is still fun, but it’s more fun when you get to interact with everybody.

Mom: Ryanne, how often do sixteen year old girls think about boys? Is it 50% of the time, less than 50% of the time or more than 50% of the time?
Ryanne: Well, every girl is different. For me, I want to say it’s about 75%.

Mom: [laughing] Seventy five percent???
Ryanne: Yeah, I’m a little boy crazy, but I know what my priorities are.

Mom: [still laughing] So….are there any boys in particular you think about?
Ryanne: Yes, but I do not want to name names. That is classified information.

Mom: I’m not considered to be on the inside ?? You won't give me that information??
Ryanne: Next question.

Mom: Ryanne, recently you were diagnosed with some health issues. Do you mind sharing a little bit about that?
Ryanne: I was diagnosed with Hashimotos Thyroiditis.

Mom: What is Hashimotos?
Ryanne: It’s a thyroid deficiency where my immune system is attacking my thyroid. It’s not Graves disease, but it’s the same kind of concept where they are both thyroid issues. It’s not that serious, but it could be serious if you don't take care of it. I’m on medication to help regulate my thyroid. A lot of foods can cause my thyroid to flare up. In my case, I have a gluten intolerance and an intolerance to Polysorbate 80. Polysorbate 80 is a chemical they put in a lot of foods, in a lot of make-up, soaps, fragrances, you name it. It’s in a lot of processed foods as well.

Mom: How did you feel before your diagnosis?
Ryanne: Super depressed and anxious all the time. I just didn’t feel like myself. It was up and down where I felt like had to pretend to be myself. I would feel like myself for a split second and then, I don’t know, it just kind of sucked.

Mom: How else did you feel? Hungry, not hungry, tired??
Ryanne: It changed a lot. It depended on my mood. If I was happy, I wasn’t hungry. But if I was feeling sad, I was hungry all the time.

Mom: You were also diagnosed with Vitamin D deficiency. Do you want to talk about that?
Ryanne: Mine is really low. The recommended range most people are supposed to be in for Vitamin D is between 30 and 100 milliliters. My vitamin D was at 9 milliliters. So that was super low and it affects emotions and ties in with some of my other symptoms.

Mom: How did it impact school? Your ability to focus or learn?
Ryanne: When it came to school, I felt like I had no ability to focus. I felt like I had a lot of things I needed to think about rather than school.

Mom: You once described your feelings before you started your medication as if you were living in a fog, or as if you have a cold and you were on cold medication. Tell me about that.
Ryanne: Yes, it kind of felt as if I were in a classroom with a bunch of smokers. There was a huge haze where I couldn’t see anything and I was just trying to see the board, but there were all these things popping up through the smoke around me, preventing me from seeing what I needed to see. I don’t know…it’s kind of a weird analogy.

Mom: I think it’s a great analogy!
Mom: So… now that you’ve been on supplements how do you feel now?
Ryanne: I feel pretty good. I feel better. I feel healthier. I’m not as anxious, which is good. Before I was on medication I would go through phases where I didn’t want to get out of bed. I was anxious about something or afraid something was going to happen which I know is irrational. But now I feel really good. I feel more awake, and more willing to do my homework. It still kind of sucks [laughs], but its gots to get done. :)

Mom: Do you feel less depressed? Do you feel like you can focus better?
Ryanne: Yes! Definitely.

Mom: If you had to describe what it’s like to be a sixteen year old girl? How would you describe it? How does it feel to be a 16 year old girl?
Ryanne: [long pause]
Like a roller coaster that’s never ending. You get on and you can’t get off. It has its ups and downs. It’s great and then other times I wish I was 25 already. You get sucked into this drama you don’t want to be in and then you find yourself digging a hole that’s only getting deeper and deeper and you can’t find your way to the top. It’s never in the middle. It’s either really, really good and you are just waiting for it to end, or it’s going terrible.

Mom: As a sixteen year old girl who do you look to for inspiration? Is there a celebrity, a singer or someone in your everyday life?
Ryanne: My mom and my brother.

Mom: Oohhhh.
Ryanne: I’m going to get real emotional here. They, I believe, are my rocks. They keep me going.
Mom: Oh Ryanne, that is so nice.
​
Ryanne: [fanning her eyes] I’m getting a little teary eyed here. Good thing you are writing this so no one has to hear me cry.
Ryanne: Is that the last question?
Mom: No… I have more questions.
Ryanne: Dang it..


To be continued.......

In the meantime I hope you can enjoy a special duet my daughter performed with a man she's never met. They sang one of my favorite songs together through an app called smule. Hopefully, you can access by clicking on the link below.


http://www.smule.com/recording/damien-rice-the-blowers-daughter-2-semitones/390808667_268596463?utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=web&utm_source=email