My 40th birthday....

Tomorrow I turn 40.  A monumental birthday.  It's a day that seemed so far off into the distance for so many years.  A day that mentally I had marked as 'old', until it slowly approached and it didn't feel old at all.    I've tried not too think too much about my 40th.  But truth be told, the date has loomed over me for months...since my 39th birthday.

Last year on my birthday I laid in bed most of the day and cried.  Not because of the number.  Not because it was my last day in my 30's.  But because I knew it was going to be my last birthday with my mom.  I wanted to pretend it wasn't my birthday. 

Maybe if I didn't celebrate the days wouldn't pass and my next birthday without my mom would never arrive.

Growing up birthdays were always a big deal in our family.  Our mom would make homemade cakes with licorice and M&M's.  The cakes were decorated like Winnie the Pooh, Big Bird or Raggedy Ann and Andy.  She always had the family and all our family friends over for dinner.  It was the one day within a family of six that was all about you.  Our mom made our day feel special.


As we grew older she stopped organizing our parties, but weeks in advance she would ask about our birthday plans to make sure she was included.   Last year she didn't wait for an invitation to my celebration.  She planned it, just like she did in my early years. Like me, she was acutely aware this might be her last one.  

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My mom was FRUGAL, and at the time of my birthday she was weak and couldn't drive.  The fact she paid for everyone's dinner and arranged the party will always leave an imprint in my mind.   Not enough time hasn't passed for me to think about that day without sadness and without tears.  But I  know, one day it will be a gift I will forever cherish.

So this birthday, I refuse to lay in bed and cry.  I wanted to honor the 40 years I've been here and the life I live all because of my parents.  I organized my birthday celebration.  It will be quiet and small.  It will be a weekend at the ocean playing games, flying kites, running with the dog on the beach and eating cake.  Lots of cake.  

My 40 years has been blessed beyond measure.  It has been loud with laughter and  full of a richness you cannot unwrap out of a box.  My family and their love has been the greatest gift to me year after year.  It's a gift my parents honored above everything else.  

So...happy birthday to me.  Mom and dad, you will be missed this birthday and every birthday thereafter.  But your love and your spirit will be in our hearts always.

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